Dear self...

I have missed you!! You have spent so much time away, I was beginning to think I would never see you again!  You were so busy giving your time to others that you seemed to fade out of existence.  In all honesty, you've been out of the loop for almost 4 years.  Between the men in your life, family issues, school and just life, you seem to have gotten lost in the shuffle.

It's so good to see you back. :D

I've missed you horribly.  The girl that loves her video games, movies, and most of all, her friends.  The girl who loves to be outside just to marvel in the beauty of the world, who loves to live everyday as if it was her last.

I missed the girl who is thankful just to be alive.

You have spent so much time retreated into yourself that I was beginning to think I would lose you altogether.  At times, I felt that you had already been lost to the ugly that is this world.  I thought you had finally been defeated by those things and people that had always tried to bring you down.

It's good to see you still have the undying strength you have always had, the strength that has helped you survive all these many years.

You have been horribly missed, but again, I am glad to see you back.  I know it is still going to take some time for you to get back to where you were before all this started, but I know you are still in there and one day soon, people will see the real you again.

Watch out world...I'm baaaaccckkkk ;)

Cheers!

Yup....caring is STILL for suckers...

They SAY it's love that makes the world go around.

You know what I have to say about it?

"Bullshit on that!!" Thank you Rosario Dawson for giving me that one.

I do care about people, I swear I do. It's the getting too close that always seems to be a problem.  And no, I'm not just speaking on romantic relationships and shit, I mean in general.  For example, there was a family that I let myself get close to when I moved back out here to Washington state.  I worked with 2 of them and because of things we had in common, we got along really well. Spent a lot of time with them and when times got hard for them, I stepped up and did everything I could to help them. You know what that got me?

Shit on and in debt.

Yay me!!

It's amazing how much more mellow my life has been without them around. *shrugs* who knew? Guess I do now.

I loved them like family, but much like a lot of my own family, it was a waste of effort and emotion.

Not that relationships fare much better I suppose.  I can't complain too much because the majority of my relationships have ended with my still being friends with my exes, which might seem stupid, but they were my friends long before I dated them, no reason that should change.  Never disrespected them or was really disrespected, wasn't cheated on, etc.  Just didn't work out, and smart people don't stay in relationships just to NOT be alone.  If you do, you are just fucking stupid.  Sorry, but it's true.

You and I are all worth more than that.  Never forget it.

So now after a little while of being single, finally met someone that I've been seeing for the last couple of months. Problem is, he is going through kind of a rough patch right now, and who is suffering the brunt of that?

Who fucking else? It's like I'm a magnet for that shit.

Care about him enough to not give up on him, but that definitely doesn't make it suck any less.

Suppose I'm feeling a little melancholy because the holidays were once again shitty and it looks like my birthday next week is about to be shitty as well.

It is what it is, I'll work through it like everything else.  Hopefully I'll be able to pick up on my writing again like I've been TRYING to do for the last year or so.  It really does help, but sometimes there is SO much in my head I can't sit down and write what I want.  Part of the problem is I'm once again putting too much thought into it, instead of just logging on randomly like I used to and just writing what's in my head.  I have to remind myself I don't have to write everyday, or if I want, I can do it several times a day.  If you backlog through all the crap I used to write little comedy pieces to make people laugh, posted music and videos, etc.

Really wanna get back to that.

Tryin'...

Cheers! :)

So long Christmas, until next time...

The best part about Christmas?

...when it's finally over.

I despise the holidays, except Halloween.  Halloween IS the best holiday, period.

Anyhow, another disappointing holiday come and gone.  Christmas used to be a great time of year, when it was less commercial, when my family was still close, and when life wasn't so damn complicated.  Money isn't and has never been important to me.  Too bad that's not the case for most everyone else.  That's why I make my stance on the holidays clear...

...keep that shit to yourself.

I have to spend the next few weeks looking for not only a better job, but also a second job.  With the ramifications of Obamacare hitting most fast food workers (at least that's the excuse we are getting from owners/corporations...cheap fucks), everyone outside of management is now only eligible for 30 hours a week, cutting a whole weeks worth of work off our checks every month.  It's a good chunk of money we are all losing, believe me.

And I still don't think fast food workers should be getting paid $15.00/hour, and I've been doing it off and on for over 2 decades.

All I can say is hopefully next year will be better than this one.

2013 fucking sucked!!! xD

Cheers all :p

It's gonna be a long day today.

Yesterday was my baby sister's 4th wedding anniversary. Still can't believe it's been that long, but it has. It's not a difficult anniversary to forget.

Just like today is just as easy to not forget.

Four years ago today, I gave my heart to the one person I've ever truly and deeply loved. Even though he is not here by my side like I would like him to be, he is still the one and only who will ever have my heart and soul.

I could go on and on about how much he means to me and why, but there are not any real words to describe the love I have for him.

Love is not a word that should ever be used lightly, though it understandably takes most of us a while to figure out the difference between real love and what love is thought to be.

I hope that everyone and anyone who reads this will know even one second of the happiness I've had with him. If you do, then you will have known real, true love.

Even if you don't get to keep it, NEVER take for granted that kind of love. It may not last, it may not work out the way you want it to...that's right, you probably won't get the fairy tale.

If you are lucky enough to experience real love, appreciate it. So many more in the world will never know it, and that is heartbreaking because love is something everyone deserves.

Live your life like every day is your last, no hesitation, no regrets. Love like you might never again get the chance.

Cheers ;)

Think I finally figured it out...

I spend a lot of time alone. Make no mistake, it's by choice.

As I don't sleep much, I'm always looking for something to do in order to occupy the time I'm not at work or school.  Video games take up a good chunk of that time, but not all of it.

That's the reason I started this blog in the first place. Lately, I often sit and wonder why I have been having such a hard time getting back to my writing and maintenance of this blog. I used to spend a good amount of time working on it because it was so satisfying to me as well as therapeutic. About a week ago, out of nowhere, it finally hit me. 

I didn't think about it...I just DID it. 

Whatever thoughts jumped into my head, whatever I was feeling, I would just log on, blurt it out here, and move on. It wasn't ever any real effort, it all came naturally. 

I didn't treat it like WORK, which is where my mind has been with it. A few weeks back I filtered back through some of my old postings, looking for a particular picture. During that time, I noticed the differences between when I started, the mid-point when I really hit my stride, then the last couple of years where I kind of fell off.  In an effort to kind of come back from the dead, so to speak, I did try to write now and again, but you can see the differences. I had to put far too much effort into some of those postings, just like I mentally edited them while I was writing, something else I never did before.

I hate fucking editing myself. Not doing it anymore. 

I've had the attitude for years that you have to take me for who and what I am. I live my life the way I choose, and I don't explain myself to anyone. So hopefully my writing will get decent again and I will get that satisfaction back that I so miss. 

Cheers! :) 

I REALLY should be fucking sleeping hahaha

...but like I've said for years...

Sleep is for dead people >:)

I really am going to sleep soon, as I have to be at work for the second of 4 11-hour shifts this week in approximately....5 hours and 27 minutes.

Have so much to do in the very near future. As in Monday, my next day off, which won't really be a day off by the time I'm done doing what I need to.  This includes a trip to Seattle to start the process of getting checked into school next quarter.  As I may or may not have stated here previously, online classes are decidedly NOT for me.  I have zero focus, the classes are boring as shit, the work is too easy (yes, that is a real problem for me), and group work is impossible with strangers, who all work online at different times, due to work, time zones, etc.

It's all good though, because I'm going into the program I REALLY want to be in (more on that when it's official), and I will be back on campus, which is the preference.

I also need to find a second job, mainly because it's time for me to have a car again, tired of people bitching at me about all the walking I do (fuck them anyway, I DO WHAT I WANT!), and it is just easier to do shit like grocery shopping or multiple errands when you don't have to do it on public transportation or depend on someone else's timeline. I'm fortunate enough to have people who care about me and get me where I'm going whenever they can, and I'm grateful, but I really don't like depending on other people for anything.

I've taken care of myself literally almost all my life, and like and old dog, I'm not changing my ways.

Don't have to, you can't make me! :p

Hope everything is well in the world for all of you...

Cheers! :D

It's been an interesting few weeks.

I haven't been working much, due to my knee issues.  Still have not been in to see the specialist, but I will be doing that next week.  Been waiting to get the money so I can actually be taken care of.  Not having health insurance is a bitch.

Not having cash around because I haven't been working due to my DISLOCATED knee, even more of a bitch.

The fact that it took the two emergency room and one other visit to the specialist for them to figure out a dislocation was the problem in the first place....fucking nonsense. Luckily my tax return finally came in so I didn't get kicked out of my apartment.  My roommate would have likely had to go back to Nebraska, which he would have hated, and I would have had to go back to Cali, which I would have hated more.  I would move back to Nebraska before I moved back to Cali. Serious shit.

Anyhow, that issue resolved, now it's time to keep working on this bad knee so I can finish out this lease and move somewhere else.  This apartment was okay for the transition time I've spent here since leaving (albeit temporarily) Omaha, but it's time to find a new place. Sick of all the DV going on here constantly, the meth heads that live downstairs, blah blah.

Time to find a new apartment, will start looking as soon as I get this damn knee fixed.  It really is holding me up and causing nothing but misery right now.

I also plan on getting a second job.  I spend a lot of my time remembering the days when I had two full-time jobs and I never had to worry about things like getting behind in the rent if I had/wanted to take a few days off for whatever reason.  I miss being able to go on vacation whenever I want, to wherever I want and know that I have money in the bank when I get home.

Being in this situation is pretty much my own fault though.

I have spent most of my life (and apparently have not broken this habit) doing for everyone else.  Putting my life on hold to accommodate the needs of the ones I love. I know some people would consider this non-beneficial behavior, but what can I say?

It's just who I am, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

So I will do what I know.  I will get a second job and spend what time I don't spend on homework, working.  I will pay off what few debts I have, I will get a car again, FINALLY (it's time lol) and I will get my comfy life back.

The nice thing for me is I don't require much.  As long as I can go to my concerts, buy my comics and music, I'm good.

Next quarter will see me back on campus, in the field of study I actually wanted to really be in.  Well, second, I already have a degree for the first (for all the good it's done me).  Can't wait for that. I'm applying for management at Wendy's, maybe they can find me a location close to the school, and that would be the best excuse ever to move into the Seattle area, which is where I really want to be.  Work and personal wise, it would be ideal, as that is where most of my best friends (my true family) live.
.
Now off to do some homework, hopefully, if I can stop being distracted by bad kitties and a bored roommate.

Cheers!!

So this knee issue is really starting to piss me off.  I hate being incapacitated, I have too much to do in my life without the interference of an injury.  I'm supposed to wait for a month before I go back to the doctor so they can make a final decision about surgery or what have you.

I'm not going to make it that long.

I will be going back to the hospital some time this weekend, they are going to do something about this, one way or another.  The pain is ridiculous, my other leg, my GOOD leg is now starting to give out. Rolled my ankle a bit ago just trying to take the few steps from my living room into my bedroom. A whole lot of suck.

Well, at least I got the grocery shopping done, thanks to my good friend Miss Rose who drives me pretty much wherever I need to go.  If it wasn't for her, life would be a hell of a lot more difficult.  It's good that is out of the way now, as I have to concentrate on homework this weekend.

Right now though, I'm going to concentrate on making this fucking pain in my knee go away while I'm playing my game. That's right, it's game time!! As I am an officer in my guild, it is my responsibility (as I see it) to be able to answer questions for my guildies about the game in general.  Part of this is done by having one type of each profession and knowledge on the different and best ways to run them.  Also a general knowledge of all the area maps is helpful. With the addition of crafting and an assortment of other new things in the game, it could almost be a job!

I fucking wish....*sigh*

Well, off to my favorite place, gaming world....peace and harmony (for my brain).

Cheers!! :)

Oh life, how you love to play games with me!!

Ssoooooo....went to the orthopedic surgeon this morning, because my bad knee has officially told me.."fuck you bitch" lol Doctor says..

1) "We will try some physical therapy first to see if that helps. Keep your knee braces on, use your crutches."  Somehow, in the deep reaches of my brain, this does not truly make sense, but hey, I didn't spend a decade in med school/training/etc. so what do I know?

2) "You know why your knee is so bad? You have NO cartilage left in your knee." So THAT'S what that weird grinding sound I'm always hearing is!! XD Yes, you can hear bone on bone, oddly interesting.

3) "Come back and see me in one month, I will let you know then if you are still gonna need surgery." I think that's a given at this point.

This is day 5 at home...omhfg if I need surgery and I have to be home for longer than that afterwords.

NOW do you people see why I hate doctors?!?!?! >.<

I really am bored out of my fucking mind.

You see, I'm one of those weirdos who actually LIKES to work. I like to stay busy, due to my aversion to sleep.  It explains all my time spent on video games, doing this, maintaining fan pages, blah blah.

I was actually out of the house for a few hours today (doctor appointment and all) and it was great!! Didn't do anything but it was better than being where I am now...in bed again.

Homework tonight, in just a bit.  Doing pretty good on that one, just gotta work on my computer lab and my final project (easy). Then probably back to gaming, as I'm balls deep into my game again, think I may have mentioned that, and probably will again many, MANY times.

Looks like I'm off for a bit to go run some errands, will talk at y'all later!

Cheers!