So yeah, it's been a few days....sue me.

Sometimes life takes over, even when you don't want it to. Let's get caught up, shall we?

The concert last Saturday was fantastic, I'm so glad I got to go. Not only was it a fun day spent with my brother, but every performance was great, it was a good time I must say.

Sunday...Monday...Tuesday...Wednesday....work...bleh. Some customer who is one of the rudest people I've ever met actually apologized to me on Wednesday night, for his obnoxious rant he went on towards me almost a month ago. I'm sure it had more to do with the fact he was told not to bother to return to the restaurant (almost all the employees refused to help him anymore) than the fact that he was actually sorry, but whatever. Still looking for another job, hopefully I will find one soon.

Yesterday, didn't do anything really. Woke up in the afternoon, as usual. Watched a couple movies, jumped online and into my game for a few hours. More television, about 30 minutes spent with the boyfriend, more gaming, then more television and sleep.

Wash, rinse, repeat...minus the time with the boyfriend. *sighs*

Ever wake up some days, and just feel more like you are an *obligation* than anything else?

That's how I have felt for the last few weeks to be quite honest.

I'm sure it's unfounded, but the feeling won't leave, not really sure why.

Maybe it has to do with this mindset I have of *waiting*...waiting for things to inevitably go wrong, and to have my life go back to complete shit instead of just partially being stuck in it.

If I was ever given a reason to not think like that, maybe I could stop.

Just never had a reason.

Change of plans yet again.

Let my brother know that my ride had fell through, and I wasn't going to be able to make the concert after all.

He's coming to pick me up since he is going as well. I get to go after all!!!

I'm so excited I can't hardly stand it.

No cameras or stuff allowed, which is a bummer. It's okay though, I'm just happy to be going.

Will be back to talk about it when I get home.

I am so fucking tired.

Just walked in the door from work, so busy I didn't even get my break today. It's not like I care because I felt the need to sit on my ass or anything. My break is the time I use to do some of my closing work I can't get done when I'm helping customers. No break...cleaning time = denied!!

The only good thing is I have no work tomorrow. I get to go pick up my paycheck, point and laugh at my friends who DO have to work in that shithole tomorrow, and then spend the next couple of days at home with my sweetie.

Not a bad trade off for a shitty night if you ask me.

I will be going to the movies tomorrow as well though. *Saw 6* is out, and I NEED to see it. Well, my friend Brian and I are actually going, as we just NEED to know if our predictions about certain characters were correct or not. We have been waiting two years to find this out.

Other than that, all my time will be spent at home, hanging out, gaming and the like. Plus, since Halloween is a mere week away now, all the channels are going full blown with the horror movies, something I am totally ecstatic about.

I'm gonna have a good weekend if it kills me dammit. ;)

It's typical.

So much so that I'm already over being upset about it.

Nothing like having plans you made almost 2 months ago being completely blown in an instant.

See, some friends and I were supposed to be going to a concert together this Saturday. It went from 6 people to 3, which wasn't that big of a deal, since those three were *iffy* at best. The thing is, with the last 3, the wait came down to one person. That one person OF COURSE being our ride to the show.

So much for that. On a positive note...hmmmm...what is a positive note? Maybe the fact he didn't wait until the day of the show to bail? The fact that he was also in charge of buying tickets, so I didn't have to lose money on that either?

Well, at least I have the fucking day off, eh? Oh well...

Now time to start getting ready for work...yay me.

It's already been a long day, and I'm barely getting started.

So once again, I'm starting over from scratch.

With everything.

Looking for a new job.

Doing my research to get my ass back into school.

Being happy with the relationship I'm in right now. Completely for once...no stress/no drama is actually very nice. Wishing the same for my BFFF, I know he'll work it out.

Been getting in contact with friends I have cared about since I was a teenager, and re-connecting with friends I've made in the more recent years of my life. Also people I care about very much. I'm trying to get better about staying in contact, but as usual, I'm making no promises. I'm so used to being a self-contained unit, I forget that there are still people who give a shit about me. Sorry about that guys and gals.

Back to the writing. Damn I've missed it. I attempted to start over again at the beginning of this year, but so much random and time consuming shit has happened since the get, I honestly have thought little of doing it. It's time to start again though, as I've been spending more and more time on this damn computer of mine. What can I say, it makes me happy.

Hmmm.... I really should get to bed though, as it is 8:16 in the a.m., and I do have to work later. Yay for me. Hate my fucking job, if I could afford to quit, I wouldn't even bother to go back, starting today. Need to stay a bit longer though, but not much believe you me. I'll will be gone before the year is out.

Nap time.

More examples of my twisted sense of humor :)

If you know me at all, you know how much I LOVE "Star Wars". If you've been even an occasional visitor to this blog, you will also know how much I LOVE "Robot Chicken". That being said...

Boba's back!

Going Out Like A Punk

Take Your Daughter To Work Day

Little Mean Pepper Shaker

Jar-Jar for Gecko Insurance

XD

People continue to astound me. The contradictory ways of us all is quite something to behold. We all exist on the same plane, more or less, and the differences always amaze and surprise me, though they shouldn't by this point.

I fucking hate people.

People laugh when they hear me say that, I don't think they realize how serious I really am when I say it. I think for the most part, people, myself included, are fucked in the head. Don't get me wrong, there are nice people, truly warm and kind people that exist, I know it.

There are just so damn few of them left though, it's really very sad.

Like, most of my friends I consider to be some of the kindest people I know. A few of them have gotten their honorable mentions on this very blog, and will again at some point or another in the future I'm sure.

That's the reason I sometimes wonder why they are friends with me.

Yeah, I can be quite a bitch, I'll be the first to admit it. I'm really a fairly quiet person, but if pushed, the bitch part comes out very quickly and harshly. I can usually hold my annoyance in, but if pushed hard enough...

....it's advisable to step at least 20 feet back from my general direction...

Kat could tell you about the time Brandon had to, as to keep his head attached to his shoulders, and not crammed up his ass.

Like people who think they can talk to me any damn way they please while I'm at work, and think they will get away with it.

Mistake...not gonna happen, I promise.

Someone found that out tonight, to the amusement of my fellow employees and my manager. They think I'm slightly crazy, but they love it. They are silly that way.

The fact that it is a mere 2 days from Christmas does not help matters, or peoples' general attitude. Just because you were stupid, and waited until the last couple of days before THE day, doesn't mean come and take it out on us.

Not our problem.

I can't wait for Christmas to be fucking over, it's basically such a fucked holiday as far as I'm concerned. Ridiculously commercial, people getting beat up, killed, etc., all in the pursuit of the "perfect gift" for someone that is likely to not appreciate it anyway, and wishing that you gave them the receipt so they could take it back to the store and get something they actually wanted.

I always tell people not to bother for me, because I gift whenever I feel the need, rarely at Christmas. I'm more of a "just because" kind of giver. If I see something I know one of my friends would love, I get it for them. No need for occasion as far as I'm concerned. Fuck all that noise, or as I like to say...

"...bullshit on that."

Only one person is getting gifts from me this year, and that's because she is too damn adorable to deny Christmas. There is a very sweet little princess in Toronto who I love to spoil, and for some reason adores me, even if I don't give her anything.

Go figure.

To those of you who still like, or even love Christmas, I do hope you have a good one. Just 'cause I don't like it, doesn't mean you shouldn't.

As for me, I will be doing on Christmas what makes me happy...logging into my game, and spending hour upon hour playin'. That is my idea of a happy holiday.

Merry Christmas everybody...

More of my randomness at its best

Yeah, well, its been a couple of weeks, but I've been busy. Fostering my video game addiction, because it keeps my mind occupied.

It's what I need at the time, what can I say?

As always though, there are a million thoughts going through my head. My brain is in constant overdrive, something that has always been. To my own detriment, as far as I'm concerned.

One lesson I have learned well over this last year...keep your friends close, and your enemies closer...always. Just because I'm being quiet doesn't mean I'm not paying attention. Trust me, I learned long ago how to play the game better than you.

You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends, and they can be your true family. I don't pick my friends by their age, race, or anything like that. They just kind of happen, usually suddenly. My closest friends have happened pretty instantly. The 'friendships' I have to put actual work into are usually the ones that end up being false. Funny, eh?

I don't use the "friend" tag lightly either. You are either my best friend, or merely an acquaintance. Just the way it works for me.

After all, I'm not the easiest person to be friends with in the first place. I'm usually pretty difficult to keep track of, but it's not because I don't care. It's just because I don't want to be the cause of any hurt, and there is a lot more dark in me than light. I guarantee it will always be that way, and my true friends know that, and deal with it the best they can.

I know it makes you sad sometimes, and for that, I'm truly sorry...

It's why my friends are my family though...they are with me no matter what.

It's almost Christmas time, and I'm glad....because then it will be over. I hate the fucking holidays with a passion. Just a couple more weeks, and the bullshit is over. Some of the other holidays after the new year, I will thankfully miss, because I will be in basic training...another finally.

I wish I was in Washington, and not in California. This place sucks ass. Shut up Dan...you know the only reason I came here was because I promised my grandma I would.

It's 1 am here now...and 3am somewhere else in the world. Which means it's about time for me to go hang out with one my best friends who always makes me smile.

That also makes me think of the best of all my friends, whose smile makes my heart skip, and makes it break all at the same time...

I also think of yet another friend, who always goes out of her way to remind me that I am loved, no matter what I think otherwise.

And of my other friends, who are newer to my life, who are still adjusting to being in my life, and still getting used to wandering through the dark part of it. I wish sometimes I could help them understand it better, but I have yet to figure out how...

I myself am astounded by how many people have told me I'm going to be missed when I leave for the Army. It's nice to know they care, but I'm still surprised by it.

Maybe next year will be better, maybe it won't. I'm fairly indifferent to it either way.

Hope doesn't exist in the dictionary of my life. Only existence does.

I haven't written much lately, mostly due to a very busy schedule. Getting ready to leave for basic training takes up a lot of time. I was hoping to be gone by now, but with the military, there is a lot of "hurry up and wait". So here I sit...

...waiting.

Many things have changed for me in the last year, and some of you have borne witness to that, via this blog. Some things shared were very difficult, yet at the same time, have been equivalent to a cleansing of sorts.

Why does love have to hurt so fucking bad? ...meh..

Why are the few people I love most always the first to exit my life?

Guess it's just the way it goes, huh?

...and so it goes.

I am more anxious to begin my time in the military than ever before. It will take me away from the things I would rather not deal with or think about. With every passing day, I am more and more tempted to return to my world of solitude, and just say "fuck it" altogether.

My life just seems to be easier that way. Loneliness has never been an issue.

As a matter of fact, it's a preference.

Here I sit, just continuing to pass time, with nothing I really care to look forward to. As is my life.

Here I sit...taking up space.

Here I sit...wishing I just wasn't.

Here I sit...knowing I have served any purpose I was meant to, and knowing I don't have another.

And I will continue to sit here, on my own, trying to smile, but unable....

...pretending to be okay, but far from it.

Just sitting....never standing.