28 November 2009
For my baby...
Days are not to be wasted. You never know when your last one will be, and I don't want to lose any with you.
27 November 2009
I don't quite understand it to be perfectly honest.
How someone like me, who KNOWS that I have at least a handful of people who truly care about me, can possibly feel the way I do right now.
Completely and utterly alone.
Maybe it's because I lost my best fucking friend in the world recently. What started out that day as a plan to hang out and have fun ended up turning into us not speaking. It's not because we hate each other. It's not because we got into a fight. It's because he loves me far too much to be able to be around me right now. I don't know how long the separation is going to last, but I can say it is having a negative impact on my life right now.
Or maybe it's because things aren't going so great in my relationship right now. I had the integrity of my feelings put into question last night, and it had a huge and horrible impact on me. Mainly because the issue is something that we discussed before we even became a couple, so I was under the (obviously) mistaken impression it was a moot point. That'll teach me I guess. To be fair, I'm not angry, just extremely hurt.
I think this is why I have avoided relationships for the most part. I have a tendency to give of myself, even if the other person does not. If things go wrong, I blame myself, even if the blame is not for me to take. I think a lot of people tend to do that as well, maybe that's why most of us can't make it work like people used to. I pride myself in the fact that I don't jump into relationships, because I'm not a casual dater. I always have to really get to know someone before I can even consider starting a relationship with them. The thing is, I never get into a relationship without the intention of making it "work".
The relationship my grandparents had was all I ever strived for in my life. They met when they were in high school, were lucky enough to only have been with each other, and spent the rest of their lives married to each other. Life wasn't always easy, but they made it work. They raised 8 children the best they could in a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom house. They loved their grandchildren, never judged, did their best to be supportive to everyone, and everything good about me, I got mainly from them.
I live in said house today, and everyday I wake up, I wonder where the hell it all went wrong. I still firmly believe it's because they are not here anymore. I could have talked to either one of them about what is going on with me right now, and either one of them could have fixed it with a word, or a smile.
I do miss them so.
How someone like me, who KNOWS that I have at least a handful of people who truly care about me, can possibly feel the way I do right now.
Completely and utterly alone.
Maybe it's because I lost my best fucking friend in the world recently. What started out that day as a plan to hang out and have fun ended up turning into us not speaking. It's not because we hate each other. It's not because we got into a fight. It's because he loves me far too much to be able to be around me right now. I don't know how long the separation is going to last, but I can say it is having a negative impact on my life right now.
Or maybe it's because things aren't going so great in my relationship right now. I had the integrity of my feelings put into question last night, and it had a huge and horrible impact on me. Mainly because the issue is something that we discussed before we even became a couple, so I was under the (obviously) mistaken impression it was a moot point. That'll teach me I guess. To be fair, I'm not angry, just extremely hurt.
I think this is why I have avoided relationships for the most part. I have a tendency to give of myself, even if the other person does not. If things go wrong, I blame myself, even if the blame is not for me to take. I think a lot of people tend to do that as well, maybe that's why most of us can't make it work like people used to. I pride myself in the fact that I don't jump into relationships, because I'm not a casual dater. I always have to really get to know someone before I can even consider starting a relationship with them. The thing is, I never get into a relationship without the intention of making it "work".
The relationship my grandparents had was all I ever strived for in my life. They met when they were in high school, were lucky enough to only have been with each other, and spent the rest of their lives married to each other. Life wasn't always easy, but they made it work. They raised 8 children the best they could in a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom house. They loved their grandchildren, never judged, did their best to be supportive to everyone, and everything good about me, I got mainly from them.
I live in said house today, and everyday I wake up, I wonder where the hell it all went wrong. I still firmly believe it's because they are not here anymore. I could have talked to either one of them about what is going on with me right now, and either one of them could have fixed it with a word, or a smile.
I do miss them so.
Thanksgiving.
Glad it's over, not one of my favorite holidays. Probably because it's been awhile since I actually spent it with anyone I cared about. Last year, had the flu pretty bad, and my personal life was fairly shit, relationship wise. This year, just more drama....relationship wise.
As I've said before, wouldn't be my life if it wasn't completely complicated and fucked up.
I mean, in all reality, my life could be far worse. I could not even have a home, or a relationship, or any of that. I could spend my days fighting for survival like so many others in the world have to.
Don't think I don't understand that....I do.
I'm just lucky enough to be one of the fortunate millions who have comforts like electricity, a home, and an outlet to whine about things that for the most part are consequential to no one but myself.
Would a natural disaster, something along the lines of "Armageddon" be such a bad thing? It would even the playing field if you ask me. So many wouldn't survive strictly for the fact that as the majority of people around me can't even wipe their own ass without help, let alone survive a catastrophe of that magnitude.
Watched "Fight Club" earlier today for the billionth time. So much raw honesty and truth in that movie, I find it rather enlightening. Maybe I'm weird, but maybe not.
Just in a bit of a strange mood as you can plainly see. Kind of skirting around other issues at the moment, need to do that a bit longer.
Be back later.
Glad it's over, not one of my favorite holidays. Probably because it's been awhile since I actually spent it with anyone I cared about. Last year, had the flu pretty bad, and my personal life was fairly shit, relationship wise. This year, just more drama....relationship wise.
As I've said before, wouldn't be my life if it wasn't completely complicated and fucked up.
I mean, in all reality, my life could be far worse. I could not even have a home, or a relationship, or any of that. I could spend my days fighting for survival like so many others in the world have to.
Don't think I don't understand that....I do.
I'm just lucky enough to be one of the fortunate millions who have comforts like electricity, a home, and an outlet to whine about things that for the most part are consequential to no one but myself.
Would a natural disaster, something along the lines of "Armageddon" be such a bad thing? It would even the playing field if you ask me. So many wouldn't survive strictly for the fact that as the majority of people around me can't even wipe their own ass without help, let alone survive a catastrophe of that magnitude.
Watched "Fight Club" earlier today for the billionth time. So much raw honesty and truth in that movie, I find it rather enlightening. Maybe I'm weird, but maybe not.
Just in a bit of a strange mood as you can plainly see. Kind of skirting around other issues at the moment, need to do that a bit longer.
Be back later.
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