Avocados

Yet another sad/funny/true story, brought to you by the same people that invented beer milkshakes:

And so, I was speaking with Cristina recently (by which probably mean a month or so ago). She mentioned that despite the fact that it was JANUARY, it was blazing hot down there in southern California.

Me, being in Seattle, I was just a little bit jealous. After all, the average day here in January seems to be about 5 hours of daylight (if low-lying cloud cover can count as "daylight"), 39 degrees, and with a nice sideways drizzle. That way, the near-freezing rain has a much better chance of actually entering and going up into your nostrils.

She then mentioned to me that the avocados were in season. I believe the sentence "I'm actually sick of avocados" was uttered - which blew my fucking mind - because nobody likes avocados more than myself and my wife than Cristina.

SO - she promised to send me a big huge box of the biggest, largest, softest most awesomist avocados I had ever laid eyes on.

I promptly forgot entirely about this conversation, and went about my business.

Fast forward a little while...

We checked out our P.O. Box the other day, and it had a little slip that said "you've got a package." Wondering who in the hell would send us a package, we anxiously stood in line, and the teller handed us a rather sizable box.

Back in the car now - I'm driving towards the marina, and Wifey is sitting next to me, having trouble opening the box. I hand her a leatherman, and keep 1 and a half eyes on the box, and half an eye on the road.

The box opens...

And the look on Wifey's face is absolutely the funniest/sickest thing i've ever seen in all my days. She's making a sound like a morbidly obese man taking a constipated shit - and her face is all shriveled up like she's been sucking a pound of lemons!

NOW i'm REALLY curious... and almost run right off the road.

So, I pull into the marina parking lot, and finally get to have a look in the box.

It's filled to the brim with a brown/green liquid-like newsprinty sort of substance.

And it smells. BAD.

And then it hits me - this box, at one time, contained avocados wrapped in newspaper.

DAMN!

Well Cristina - I never did get to taste them, but they looked like they might have been really big and tasty at one point.

Sad, eh? :(

But we really did appreciate the thought - and the look on Wifey's face is something I'll never forget!

Until next time,
Mahalo.
-D

Everyday Normal Guy

I stumbled across this guy on Myspace or Youtoob, or somewhere...
FUNNY as hail!

this particular song makes a nice comeback to all those crazy claims made by rappers about how they're the greatest, etc etc...

enjoy:

A little about my friends

Reading that post by Dan got me to thinking. He's funny as hell, ain't he? The mention of Ethan got me thinking of other friends of ours as well. Dan is one of my best friends, and is more like a brother, honestly. So I decided to tell you some stuff about my friends, and some of the reasons they mean so much to me.

Dan - As you have already read, he's funny as hell. He is just a truly good person, and a great friend. He would give the shirt off his back to help anyone, and would never expect anything in return. You just have to be careful not to let him use your bathroom....usually only bad news if he has had mexican food...

Laura - She is Dan's wife. She is the one of two females in existence that I trust 100%. She is one of the sweetest and kindest people I have ever met in my life, and consider myself blessed to be her friend. She shares many of the same values Dan does, and would also do anything to help any one who needed it. Poor thing has to share a bathroom with Dan though, and now that they live on the boat, well..... Poor Laura... XD

John - Also, and sometimes better known as, "Ziggy". Crazy, ridiculously talented. Music wise, I am truly in awe of what comes so natural to him. He can cook better than most people I know, and is a pretty great guy. One of my favorite people to party with on the few occasions I choose to do so.

Kevin - Or as the rest of us call him, "Freeman" (his last name). If you've even vaguely paid attention to the posts about my brothers and sisters, you'll see his name on all those lists. I do count him as my "brother", have for years, and always will. His name is on all my life insurance policies. When I kick the bucket, Kevin gets the money, Dan and Laura get all my "stuff". There are just some people in your life that you make that connection with, and we've been friends since we met. If I had a twin, he would be it.

Kathy - We've been friends only for the last few years, but she is the other female I referred to, and I treasure her friendship very much. She is always there when I need someone to talk to, understands when I want to just be left alone, and is just a wonderful person in general. She "adopted" me into her family, which is something I really needed at the time when I met her, and she helped me a lot.

Okay, so there are a few other people I have yet to talk about, but those are definitely some of the most important, so that's what you get for today. Sorry, but my game is calling me....I gotta go now....

And so my record stands firm

So as you should have noticed by now, I'm a sports fanatic. Hockey has been number 1 in my book for 14 years now, but I also love baseball, football, golf, etc. Pretty much anything....

...except Nascar. Sorry sweetie. And Kat.

Today was the Super Bowl. New England Patriots and the New York Giants. Now neither of these are my teams, but as is tradition, I do still always watch AND bet on the Super Bowl. I bet and won my first football bet when I was 9 years old.

I have won my bet and guessed the winning team every year (minus one) every year since. The miss was last year (the only year I didn't put money on it, coincidentally), and it was by my team. Son of a bitch....

My streak returned this year with my pick of the winning team once again.

I now have $400 to add to my "moving the fuck out of California" fund.

I knew the Patriots were going to lose. Now I get to spend the next week ripping on everyone who laughed and thought I was crazy for saying so.

And just as a cool sidenote to rub in the fact that yes, some of us girls do know our shit.....

One of our regular customers came in to get a pizza about 45 minutes after the game was over. We of course started discussing the game, and I stated how glad I was to win that bet. He starts laughing, and says, "Yeah, my mother bet on the Giants, too. She even got the point spread dead on. She won a thousand dollars." His mom is 63.

See....girls are awesome...

It's about time that fucker wrote something

Well, now that Dan has FINALLY written something (and what a something it was), I don't feel as bad for not being around this last week. It not that I haven't had anything to say. It's just that I have had neither the time nor patience to get it put down. So once again, I should be back now. Good thing this isn't my paying job, I would be fired by now. That's one of the reasons I never went into the animation field of work. I'm super good at it, but it's something I do when I'm in the mood to do it. I can't do any of the "creative" stuff I do on command. It doesn't work like that for me. I guess that also explains my periodic disappearances.

Sometimes.....I just don't feel like it.... :)

Some of the things that have been keeping me occupied....

Work. Getting ready to run a restaurant I will only be at for the duration of my stay in California. Remembering right now why I got out of management. I don't honestly mind though. It guarantees my hours, and it will keep me plenty busy, which is always a good thing as far as I'm concerned. Besides, it will make the time go by faster.

Of course, you know VIDEO GAMES are a huge reason for most of my disappearances. In my PS2 sits "Suikoden V", which is now fourth time I'm playing it. Also, I started playing "World of Warcraft" again a few days ago. I know my sweetie probably started twitching when I took the "Halo" disc out of my computer. He'll get over it. Got tired of Kenny telling me that I was "a Halo whore", because I wasn't playing "WoW" with him. Whatever....

And the one thing that is actually annoying, but necessary. Working out. That shit is for the birds. Like I said though, it's a necessary evil in my life. Goes along with that losing weight deal. Getting used to it pretty quick, but that doesn't make me like it any better, that's for sure.

That, and a few hours of sleep here and there, and that is what I've been up to.

Exciting, right?

The dream I had last night...

SO...

A loooooong time ago now, Cristina invited me to write the occasional piece for her blog. I agreed, and promptly didn't think about it again for quite a while. I believe this took place when she still lived in Washington State. So that may even count as MORE than “quite a while ago.” ha.

Then, a long time ago - but much less long ago then the first instance i was just mentioned - we were chatting over email or IM or something (this was well after she was living in Cali again) - and she actually took the time to make me a Contributor - meaning that I now have the passcode to this rabbit! She then even went as far as to make some sarcastic remark on the blog about how "we'll see how long it takes for him to say something on here." HA - you know as well as I do how stubborn a bastard I can be when pressed. SO - I decided to wait it out.

Today, I feel it has (finally) been long enough. And BOY HOWDY, do i have a story to tell you.

To tell this story properly, I need to give you some background:

I live in Ballard (north Seattle, basically), on a 50 foot sailboat with my wife. Currently, we are experiencing some "shitter technical difficulties," which basically means that if you need to poo, you need to walk down the dock to the bathroom facilities on land. This problem is VERY close to being solved – but at the time of this story, it remained a problem. We live on the very end of the dock - which means more privacy - better view of the bay, the mountains, etc. HOWEVER - there are those days when it's a very very long walk down the dock - if it's pouring sideways rain, for example (which it does in Seattle a fair bit); or, if you need to poo.

I commute to Snoqualmie to work 4 days a week. For those of you not 'in the know,' Snoqualmie is about 30 miles east of Seattle - and about 20 miles west of a major mountain pass (which is actually currently closed due to the largest avalanches they have ever seen on this mountain pass).

My wife just got a job in Issaquah - which is about 6 miles west of where I work. Neat-o - except we can't commute together because she works mornings, and I don't.

SO - we meet for her dinner/my lunch every night around 6:30.

More on that in a minute.

First, more background:

My good friend Ethan lives in the same marina we live in - and also works at the same place I do. So we make breakfast most days, and then carpool. Except Ethan was feeling a little under-the-weather (hungover) yesterday morning - so he missed breakfast.

Ethan's breakfast ended up consisting of a large portion of pizza that he ordered when we got to work. And even though I wasn't hungry, I ended up eating a fair portion of it as well (hey, what can I say? I must miss the stuff - I delivered this crap for nearly 7 years).

I then proceeded to meet Wifey for dinner at 6:30. We went to a local mexican establishment in Snoqualmie, and I ordered and consumed in it’s entirety a very large burrito, and as many chips as I could scarf down my fat gob. All this, even though I STILL wasn’t hungry – damn pizza.

Oh yes. The pizza. There was leftovers, which I took home with me – and during my drive home, for some reason became very hungry. I had absolutely no reason to be, but there we were. So I ate the leftovers.

I got home, and suddenly didn’t feel very good. And then I passed out.

I have NEVER had stranger dreams in my life. Most of them, I can’t really recall. Except for the last one, which was so strange, it actually woke me up.

I dreamt it was Halloween, and we were going to the waterslide park from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (Waterloo – home of the world famous waterslides!). For Halloween, I dressed up as – you guessed it – a giant poo.

So here I am – a giant poo, sliding down the waterslides at Mach 10. And – again, you probably guessed it – but all the waterslides are different colors right? Yuppers – I was sliding down the BROWN slide.

And the best part of this dream – I was actually watching this from 3rd person camera – watching a giant poo with feet slide down the brown slide at Mach 10 – all to the tune of that inane Incubus song “I Wish You Were Here.”

I woke up – and RAN my ass down the dock to the shitter.

How doest thou spell relief? You can answer that one on your own.

Until next time,

Mahalo
-Dan