Sometimes, I wonder if maybe something is wrong with me...
...besides the obvious brain damage my friends know me for...lol
I have this 'thing', you see...
This thing that makes me give a shit more about the people that are important to me than about myself. Not that it bothers me, but it tends to bother others sometimes. Mostly because I let myself get fucked over in the process.
As is my life...
Like a friend I was having a conversation with today. I won't get into too many particulars, as it was a private conversation, and none of your business. Let's just suffice it to say that this particular friend is dealing with the issue of being in love for the first time. I spent a good deal of time trying to cheer them up, and just basically did my best to talk them through a bad day.
I hope I did okay.
None of us really knows when or where or IF it is ever gonna happen. Love, that is. Even if it does, it comes with no guarantee. Having a few years on my friend, I have dealt with this on a few different levels up to this point in my life. I regret none of it, but definitely identify with what they are dealing with right now.
Where as the other party in 'their' case has no clue as to the feelings held, the best thing I could really say to that was it can be a lot harder when they do know. Sometimes the other party can even go as far as abusing and taking advantage of the fact they know you feel that way about them.
I hope you never have to deal with that. I've been lucky in that myself, but I've seen other friends go through that, and it's very painful to watch.
For the majority of the human race, love is a big fat pain in the ass. I think I may have mentioned that once before, but I don't remember, and don't really feel like looking back to see.
If I knew then what I know now...would I take any of it back, regret or no?
Well, in all cases except one...yup, I sure would.
It's different for everyone, definitely. Most people don't think about it the same way I do, and shouldn't. I really don't trust people, and have no need to meet anybody new. Besides, I'm comfortable enough with myself to know that I would rather spend the rest of my time on earth alone than settle for someone I didn't really love just to not be by myself...
...bullshit on that.
For better or worse Cookie, it's gonna work out the way it is meant to. As much as I know it hurts now, it's just gonna make you stronger, no matter what the outcome.
So smile, damn you, so I don't have to tackle YOU... :)
16 October 2008
Any asshole can make a child, it doesn't make them a parent
The people that know me well know how I feel about my parents. For those that don't that well, and haven't read any of my older posts, I will save you the trouble...
I don't like them.
Mostly due to the fact that they have never been parents. To me, or the rest of my brothers and sisters. Tonight just reiterated that fact once again.
I had just sat down in my room to eat my dinner, when my mobile rings...
..fuck.
'Cause it was my 'father', and no one can piss me off faster than he can. Well, that's not exactly true, my 'mother' can, but I don't talk to that bitch, haven't for about 14 years, and I intend to keep that number rising.
Anyhow, it's not the fact that he called me, it was the reason.
"You know it's your brother Martin's birthday today." Sometimes, it's really difficult for me not to sound annoyed, and I must say I did a monumentally good job of hiding my annoyance today. I'm very proud of myself for that, not really sure why.
All I said was, "...okay.." To which I got...
"I don't remember what year he was born, do you?"
FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!
The fucking two of you, I swear. You can make them well enough, but taking care of any of them is a hell of a feat isn't it?????????
Let me give you a bit of background of WHY I'm so upset about all this.
When I was 12, my father's second wife accused him of molesting my brother Martin, who at that time was 2, and my sister Ophelia, who was 5. Now keep in mind their was medical proof that nothing like that had happened, but at that time, her word was enough to make it go to court. My mother being the attention whore she was, and is, decided to tell the court that he had done the same to me when they were still married. While that had happened to me when I was younger, my father was NOT the one who did it. They took my mother at word as well, so I was dragged to court, psychologists, police departments, lawyers, etc. for about a year dealing with this bullshit.
This is where it gets really interesting...
At the end of all this, or I should say what brought it to an end was...
Barbara (wife number 2) told the court that if he gave up all rights and visiting privileges to Martin and Ophelia right then, she would drop all the charges, and not take a penny from him for their care, she just wanted him away from the three of them.
If he could have signed those papers in blood to get them signed faster, he would have. He jumped on that deal so fast, it was disgusting.
I have seen neither Martin or Ophelia since that last day in court, now over 20 years. I will never forgive him for that...ever.
So don't call acting like you give a fuck now. You had your chance to be their father. If you cared, you would have fought to the death for those two. You don't even remember what year they were born. I do, but fuck if I'm gonna tell you.
I have a brother Robert who is 8 years old at present, another product of another relationship gone wrong, and another brother that I hardly know, thanks to my father's bullshit. Another child he doesn't help to take care of. A child who needs his father, because his mother is a psychotic retard.
Just another fantastic reason for me to be excited about joining the military and leaving this place....
I can stop supporting the father who never bothered to support me, in any way.
I don't like them.
Mostly due to the fact that they have never been parents. To me, or the rest of my brothers and sisters. Tonight just reiterated that fact once again.
I had just sat down in my room to eat my dinner, when my mobile rings...
..fuck.
'Cause it was my 'father', and no one can piss me off faster than he can. Well, that's not exactly true, my 'mother' can, but I don't talk to that bitch, haven't for about 14 years, and I intend to keep that number rising.
Anyhow, it's not the fact that he called me, it was the reason.
"You know it's your brother Martin's birthday today." Sometimes, it's really difficult for me not to sound annoyed, and I must say I did a monumentally good job of hiding my annoyance today. I'm very proud of myself for that, not really sure why.
All I said was, "...okay.." To which I got...
"I don't remember what year he was born, do you?"
FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!
The fucking two of you, I swear. You can make them well enough, but taking care of any of them is a hell of a feat isn't it?????????
Let me give you a bit of background of WHY I'm so upset about all this.
When I was 12, my father's second wife accused him of molesting my brother Martin, who at that time was 2, and my sister Ophelia, who was 5. Now keep in mind their was medical proof that nothing like that had happened, but at that time, her word was enough to make it go to court. My mother being the attention whore she was, and is, decided to tell the court that he had done the same to me when they were still married. While that had happened to me when I was younger, my father was NOT the one who did it. They took my mother at word as well, so I was dragged to court, psychologists, police departments, lawyers, etc. for about a year dealing with this bullshit.
This is where it gets really interesting...
At the end of all this, or I should say what brought it to an end was...
Barbara (wife number 2) told the court that if he gave up all rights and visiting privileges to Martin and Ophelia right then, she would drop all the charges, and not take a penny from him for their care, she just wanted him away from the three of them.
If he could have signed those papers in blood to get them signed faster, he would have. He jumped on that deal so fast, it was disgusting.
I have seen neither Martin or Ophelia since that last day in court, now over 20 years. I will never forgive him for that...ever.
So don't call acting like you give a fuck now. You had your chance to be their father. If you cared, you would have fought to the death for those two. You don't even remember what year they were born. I do, but fuck if I'm gonna tell you.
I have a brother Robert who is 8 years old at present, another product of another relationship gone wrong, and another brother that I hardly know, thanks to my father's bullshit. Another child he doesn't help to take care of. A child who needs his father, because his mother is a psychotic retard.
Just another fantastic reason for me to be excited about joining the military and leaving this place....
I can stop supporting the father who never bothered to support me, in any way.
08 October 2008
To my friends and family :)
You know how it is when you are waiting for something? Something you really want?
Time drags ass....
Waiting for things has never been one of my strong suits...
Probably because there is so very little in life that I ever want.
I have no issue with that, but like I said...when there is something I want, I fucking hate having to wait for it.
In case you're wondering what I'm babbling about, it's just that I am so damn close to leaving for basic training, yet it is still far enough away to annoy the piss out of me. It's literally just weeks, but for me, that is far too damn long. Mostly 'cause I was ready to go like YESTERDAY...oh, well....
I've gotten quite the mixed reaction to this whole thing. The couple of people who's opinion truly matters seem to be the ones who are having the most problem with this. A couple of my newer friends (like Dora) also seem to have issue with it, so it is basically a non-subject for now.
Guess what guys? It won't be a non-subject when I leave, because my absence will be a lot more noticeable then...
It's a little hard for me to understand a few of these reactions, but mostly because the people who are reacting haven't known me as long. The only one who can really bitch at me about it and get away with it is Dan, but that's because he knows my personal history better than anyone, save one person...
Well, I have been taking care of myself my whole life, so I think I can handle this decision on my own, thank you. I appreciate that some people are worried, and why, but I will say the same thing here as I have in person.
I run the same risk of injury and damage living here in Southern California as I do going anywhere else. As do any one of you, wherever you happen to be.
Remember all the times you said to me, at various times over the years, "you are too smart to be working at a place like this.."?
Bet you fuckers are regretting that shit now, ain't ya??
You are just gonna have to trust that I know what I'm doing, and that I will be okay.
Love you guys....
Time drags ass....
Waiting for things has never been one of my strong suits...
Probably because there is so very little in life that I ever want.
I have no issue with that, but like I said...when there is something I want, I fucking hate having to wait for it.
In case you're wondering what I'm babbling about, it's just that I am so damn close to leaving for basic training, yet it is still far enough away to annoy the piss out of me. It's literally just weeks, but for me, that is far too damn long. Mostly 'cause I was ready to go like YESTERDAY...oh, well....
I've gotten quite the mixed reaction to this whole thing. The couple of people who's opinion truly matters seem to be the ones who are having the most problem with this. A couple of my newer friends (like Dora) also seem to have issue with it, so it is basically a non-subject for now.
Guess what guys? It won't be a non-subject when I leave, because my absence will be a lot more noticeable then...
It's a little hard for me to understand a few of these reactions, but mostly because the people who are reacting haven't known me as long. The only one who can really bitch at me about it and get away with it is Dan, but that's because he knows my personal history better than anyone, save one person...
Well, I have been taking care of myself my whole life, so I think I can handle this decision on my own, thank you. I appreciate that some people are worried, and why, but I will say the same thing here as I have in person.
I run the same risk of injury and damage living here in Southern California as I do going anywhere else. As do any one of you, wherever you happen to be.
Remember all the times you said to me, at various times over the years, "you are too smart to be working at a place like this.."?
Bet you fuckers are regretting that shit now, ain't ya??
You are just gonna have to trust that I know what I'm doing, and that I will be okay.
Love you guys....
01 October 2008
You know what annoys the hell out of me?? Being sick. It really is a waste of my fucking time. I have better things to do, you know? I seem to be getting over it now, though. Well, at least enough to get me running my normal schedule again tomorrow.
4 wasted days of my life I will never get back. Fuck....
The only thing that has made me happy in the last few days?
C'mon, where ya been?
"Heroes" was on last night.
Sylar is still the man, and just getting more awesome.....if that's even possible.
WTF with Niki/Jessica/Stacey.....really? How many are there? Seems we will find out soon, as it seems the girls were made, not born...
Matt's story line just got a million times more interesting...
Hiro and Ando still make me giggle....
Suresh is getting dumber...what the hell is wrong with that dude??
If one more person ends up being in the Petrelli family, I swear....so NOW Gabriel (Sylar), Peter, and Nathan are brothers, Claire is Nathan's daughter...for fucks sake....
H.R.G. is still a bad ass. There is no taking that man down.
I have to say I'm way more impressed with Elle, and I hope they do something interesting with her SOON....
Anyway, I'm done with that for now, it's time to get some sleep.. :)
4 wasted days of my life I will never get back. Fuck....
The only thing that has made me happy in the last few days?
C'mon, where ya been?
"Heroes" was on last night.
Sylar is still the man, and just getting more awesome.....if that's even possible.
WTF with Niki/Jessica/Stacey.....really? How many are there? Seems we will find out soon, as it seems the girls were made, not born...
Matt's story line just got a million times more interesting...
Hiro and Ando still make me giggle....
Suresh is getting dumber...what the hell is wrong with that dude??
If one more person ends up being in the Petrelli family, I swear....so NOW Gabriel (Sylar), Peter, and Nathan are brothers, Claire is Nathan's daughter...for fucks sake....
H.R.G. is still a bad ass. There is no taking that man down.
I have to say I'm way more impressed with Elle, and I hope they do something interesting with her SOON....
Anyway, I'm done with that for now, it's time to get some sleep.. :)
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