Seriously...what next?

You ever get tired of shit just going wrong?

It seems to be a recurrent theme in my life, but I always find a way to work around it. It's work though, believe me. I try not to complain much about it, because one thought always seems to be floating around in my head.

As bad as it is, someone out there has it far worse than you do.

I have the world's most awesome friends, brothers and a sister I adore to pieces who love me back, school makes me happy and I'm good at it, and in general life is okay. The issue I'm having right now is of a financial nature.

See, I've been taking care of myself since I was 12 years old, and have "officially" been working since I was 14. I've never had to depend on anyone for anything, and with my work record, it has never been an issue to find a job. My attitude about work has always been if you are willing to work, it's not hard to find a job. What do you do though when you get fired from a job because your boss at the time was throwing a drunken tantrum, and filled out the paperwork as having terminated you for insubordination, saying that you threatened to quit and it was because it affected the moral of the co-workers? What do you do when that affects you getting a job elsewhere, because of your absolute refusal to lie, and you state you were fired from your last job, knowing it could keep you from even getting a call back for an interview? What happens when this development makes you have to file appeals with unemployment and you have to wait over two months to see any of the money you have spent years paying into the system, with no end of the bullshit in sight?

It mentally wears a person out, believe that.

I spoke to my case worker lady just two days ago, and she stated that I should be seeing my money by today. When I called her back this afternoon to ask her why it wasn't in the bank yet, all I got was an "Oops, I didn't notice this, you will have to wait for the decision from your appeal to come through the office before you will receive payment." To which I stated as nicely as possible in all the conversations I had with her over the last three weeks, she failed to mention this. Of course she just said sorry, there was nothing she could do, I just had to keep waiting.

Must be nice to be casual about a situation like this when you don't have to worry about where your money is coming from, eh?

So I will continue to fill out my applications, but I still refuse to lie about how I left my last job. I just have to hope that my work record before that will be enough to get them to call me back so I can get hired and not have to deal with the fact that the system has failed me completely.

I don't let anyone win over me...nobody.

All this situation has really inspired is me keeping to myself until things improve, as I don't want to take my mood out on anyone else. I almost didn't even go to school today over it, but luckily my favorite teacher convinced me that wasn't the way to go and talked me into going to class. Luckily I also have the support of one of my best friend's, who also has my back in the situation and is trying to keep me positive about it.

Sometimes, just sometimes....it's really hard not to give up.

I'm back for real bitches >:)

Damn, I forgot how much I missed doing this!!

I started this blog originally because I had just moved back to Cali, and I really had nothing better to do. I was working and taking a couple of classes at the local CC, but I spent most of my time home bored. Didn't know anyone, missed the hell out of my friends, and needed something to keep me occupied.

This was it lol

Yeah, my writing is random, but it makes me happy. My mind has always run at about a million miles a second, so this is the place where I put down all my random thoughts. Sometimes it's about something that happened in my day, sometimes it's about songs that get stuck in my head, a cartoon that I love, or clips from my favorite movies. Most of the random strangers have stated their appreciation in comment or emails about the stuff I post or write about, and it's weird yet touching that I can touch people in the smallest ways.

I'm not gonna lie...I love it!!

There is one thing anyone who reads or views my bullshit will pick up pretty quick on...

I NEVER edit myself....ever.

If you don't like what I write, no one is forcing you here. If you do, keep coming back, I'm sure you'll find something interesting or fun from time to time. :)

Enjoy suckas!!!! LOL

For my friends...

What is it about me that is so different?

Is it my unfailing and brutal honesty? Something my real friends love about me, but what most other people who are around me can't handle.

Is it my generosity? The fact that I would help anyone, from my dearest friend to a complete stranger, if I thought I could make their life easier? Or the fact that I don't ever expect anything in return?

Maybe it is just my insane sense of humor, eh? I love the fact that I can make people laugh, even when they may not necessarily want to. It's something I consider a hell of a talent, even if no one else sees it the same way.

Is it my free spirit? The fact that I live every day like it was my last, with no regrets or apologies? Whether it was by God or osmosis or whatever that I am alive and here, I have a deep appreciation for the fact that I exist, and I refuse to take it for granted. No matter how hard some have tried, they will never take that from me.

It's pretty much a combination of all these things, along with one unmentioned major factor. It's not anything that is easily definable, but it's something I have come to realize about myself in the last 10 years or so. Something I picked up on shortly after my car accident, which brought about an epiphany of sorts.

You see, I have this "spark" inside me that is undeniable. It has been the basis of my survival my whole life, though I didn't realize it was there before.

It's what draws people to me, even when I don't want it to...which is most of the time. Many of my friends would be the first to tell you, I am normally not approachable. I admittedly give a "stay the fuck away from me" vibe when you first meet me, but that's just the way I roll.

If you are one of the few I let into my life on any level, that same spark is what keeps you all around, and if you think about it just a little, you will know that I'm right.

You see, with me, it's all or nothing. You are either my best friend or nothing. Granted, there are some people that have surpassed the level of best friend, and those are the people I consider family. Aside from my brothers and sisters, my "family" has been personally handpicked, because blood is not always the tie that binds.

Don't misunderstand. While those different levels exist, it doesn't mean I love any of you any less. I don't look for or expect perfection of anyone I let into my life. Even if there are certain things you do that I don't agree with, there is more than enough good in you to balance it out. Sure, there are people who have slipped through my radar, but they are few and far between. I figure it out pretty quick, and they are pushed out of my life like they never existed.

At that, I am a pro. Sad, but true.

It's that spark that helps me make you smile. It's what inspires me to be honest with you, even if it's something that you may not want to hear. It's what makes me protective of you, it's what makes me want to help you in anyway I can, no matter how minor or major. It's what makes me care. When I tell you I would give you the shirt off my back, or the last penny I have to my name to make sure you are okay, it's that same spark that let's you know that every word I say is true.

When I say I would give up my own life to ensure that you keep yours, it's that spark that will make it come true should the need ever arise.

All that said....

Having that spark comes with a price.

While it's easy for me to make everyone else happy, it's rare that I am. It's something I learned to live with a long time ago, and honestly, it has ceased to bother me. When you give so much of yourself, there has to be a balance.

That balance is my sadness.

Some of you will read this and not understand, but that is because you are not supposed to. You will never see that part of me because I will never allow you to.

Believe me, you wouldn't be able to handle it.

I did have a short time when I was disgustingly happy. You see, I met someone else a few years ago that had same said spark to them, even though I know he doesn't even realize it yet. For the rest of my life he will be my dearest friend and the only man I will ever truly love. With him not being around right now, I have pretty much retreated back to my old ways of keeping my distance, even though most of you don't even realize it. If you are wondering if I am talking about you, then I'm not, because I have stated this to him personally, and my friendship with him in the most precious thing in the world to me.

I will let no one else into that part of my life...ever.

So I will continue to go out of my way to be the one to make you laugh, the one who will speak up for you when no one else will, who will kick anybody's ass if they fuck with you, and hopefully the one who will make you smile when you think about me, even when I'm no longer around.

Because that spark is what gives me purpose in life. To make a positive difference in whatever way I can, to have make as many people happy as I can, and to inspire love in all of you, in any way possible.

Believe me...it's enough.

Finally...

So I finally did it.

The issue that has been been plaguing me these last few months has finally been resolved. The conversation that I should have had months ago took place today, all things that needed to be said were, and you have NO idea how that has changed everything.

In a matter of literally 8 hours, after just one short conversation, my life is back in balance. I didn't think I would feel this calm and normal ever again, but I do, and I must say, it is glorious.

The most important person in my life is still in it, and everything is okay again.

He is not only my truest and dearest friend, but my inspiration.

If you have to wonder if I'm talking about you, I'm not. The person I speak of knows this is about them because I told them these exact same things earlier today.

You, my dear readers, know all you need to. You should also be glad the whiny bullshit is over with now!! lol Thank him for that one.

Now, moving on... ;)

So much for not being a whiny asshole.

As stated on my Facebook page about a week or so ago, I do NOT know why I bother waking up in the morning. It is a complete waste of time, since every day I seem to wake up to a fresh new hell. Nothing has any meaning anymore, and I don't care. I have no desire or any plan to attempt to make it better, it always turns out a fail anyway.

I had a nice run though. Thinking I was really gonna have that happy ending was kind of nice. Especially since I always suspected I wouldn't. Turns out I was correct about the latter. No surprise.

Another fail came today in the form of a now permanently crushed ambition, my dream if you will. I have always wanted a career in the military, and was steadily working towards it a couple of years ago. Was about ready to go to MEPS, sign and ship. Then a wonderful friendship became a very amazing relationship, and due to the request of the person who has my heart, I gave up that one thing that I always wanted.

My bad.

Do I regret the decision? It's hard to say. If I had it to do over again, I would do it the exact same way. I would also be having the same emotional breakdown I'm presently having, knowing that there is nothing I can do about it now.

The Army has once again lowered the recruitment age, so that makes me no longer eligible.

I don't really know how else to put it except to say FUCK MY LIFE...

I know there are plenty of people in my life that are glad to know this information, as they never wanted me to go anyway.

If said people give a shit about me even the tiniest bit as they say they do, they will all kindly keep their fucking mouths shut about their joy in this development.

I don't want to hear the "I'm sorry" or "It's probably for the best" OR "Maybe it just means you weren't supposed to go" statements from anybody. I made a quick decision based on being in love with someone, and it's just another regret I will have to live with for the rest of my life, which will likely be far longer than need be.

All around fail.

I don't regret giving it up for him, nor do I blame him. Just another pothole in the road of my life, hahahaha.

Whatever, fuck it.

It's been a hell of a weekend so far.

Friday was okay for the most part. Spent a good amount of hours gaming, watched a couple of movies....typical stuff, ya know? Hit a bump in the road in the midst of all that, which of course has made it so I'm all out of sorts again. Doing my best to work around it but seem to be failing. Oh well *shrugs*.

Saturday pretended like it was gonna be an okay day, but it was just kidding. Felt like total shit and skipped school that morning because of it. Slept as much as I could then got up and went to work. Unfortunately, can't skip that if you are sick. Appealing, right? People can't call out sick now without having a doctor's note to come back with. Never mind that you barely have enough money to pay your rent and bills, let alone anything else. You think us lowly fast food workers can afford health insurance?? PFFFFFFTT!!! How do you think these places keep themselves in managers even though they don't usually pay very well? It's all about the health insurance that comes with the position.

Screw that, I will continue to go to work sick/injured before I'll do management again...that's part of the reason I'm going to school. So I don't have to do that shit anymore. But I digress.

Got to work, found out yet another person got fired. No big deal, it's not like she really worked when she was there anyway. She made it a week and a half. Found out I was taking orders for drive-thru that night, massive fail to start off the night. Slow customer day so it wasn't all that bad as it turns out. Trying to help the new guy later in the night by pulling out his oven racks he forgot, managed to burn my right arm in 4 different places, so now my arm is a hot mess. Nice.

So I just figure I will make myself feel better by spending the night on GW, knowing I didn't have to get up in the morning or go to work and could spend all day today doing the same. Didn't quite work out the way I had planned.

Fuck.

While I was getting set up for my mega gaming marathon, I noticed my mouse wasn't working. So I shut down my computer, unplug/plug it back in, and restart. Problem is, it doesn't want to restart now. Keeps telling me it's not receiving a video signal and refuses to restart from the prompt screen, no matter how much I scream at it.

Fuck.

So I decided the hell with it and just went to sleep about 4 hours earlier than originally intended. Talk about lame. Woke up this morning and tried everything I could think of to get this damn thing going again, but it was a no go. So I said screw it and ran the system recovery, which of course fixed whatever the problem was, but also erased everything I had in my PC at the time. I have everything saved on various memory sticks and such, but some of those are in Cali, so I will have to pick them up or send for them to have everything back in my computer. That also means all my music I had stored in here is gone, again. Something else that I will have to redo now, but also requires Cali involvement. *sigh*

So within the next few months my computer should be back to normal, but as long as I can log into GW, it's honestly the only thing I care about. It's the only thing I have left that makes me truly happy.

Sad, eh? Maybe to you, but not to me.

1st week back to school done.

It's gonna be a long and boring quarter it seems.

Wednesday I have State and Local Government. We had a sub the first day of class so I can't really full on rate this one yet. The teacher we had for the night was pretty cool, but it still wasn't enough for the class to not be boring as hell. Nothing like paying to take classes that are equivalent to what you took in high school. Stupid general education classes.

Friday nights is my Intro to Personal Computers class. Apparently it is important for me to know how to take a computer apart and put it back together to earn my degree in Criminal Justice. Well, it's just what I like to consider one of my "easy A" classes.

Saturday morning is my Criminology class. It was the one I was actually looking forward to this quarter, but so far is running the risk of being my most boring class this quarter. To be fair, not so much the class as the teacher....slept through most of his class today. Should have just stayed in bed.

Not a whole lot going on other than that at the moment. Getting a few more hours at work (Wendy's) due to so many people being fired or quitting. Now if I could just get them to stop scheduling me on my days off I'd be set. Got a new general manager at my other job (Jimmy John's) and so far that situation is an utter fail. People are dropping out of that place like flies as well. I almost left myself but that extra money keeps my head above water (barely) money-wise, so I can't afford to leave just yet.

Talk about inspiration to stay in school and do good.

All I want is to finish school and go into the military. Nothing else will be sufficient at this point in my life. The only other thing that makes me happy is bound to the military himself right now, and without him nothing else matters. So I just pass the time in any way I can and right now that's school.

It's him or nobody, plain and simple.

Yes, I jump around on what I talk about, but that's just me. Those who have read my blog before know this already and are used to it. I just say what I feel when I feel like it. I know some people are jealous because they can't exhibit that kind of honesty, but it's something I have not only always been good at, but something I pride myself on.

Nothing to hide and no reason to do so.

As I may have said before, if you have a question, ask....if you have a comment, post it....if you think I'm full of shit about some of the things I write, feel free to tell me so. I rarely get offended so I'm game to discuss anything. Other than that, if you are here reading this then there must be something about me that is at least vaguely interesting to you. I will say one very important thing though....

If you think by reading any or all of this blog that it means you KNOW me.....you are in for a very rude awakening.

There are literally 3 people in the world that can legitimately claim the REALLY know me, and they know who they are. That is my limit, I will never let anyone else get as close as I let them.

That's just me.

I keep saying I'm coming back to write full-time again, then I disappear for another couple of months.

I don't mean to, it just keeps happening that way.

When I got my new phone and realized I could access the Internet and post from there, I figured I would start getting more writing done, but as it turns out I was wrong about that one.

I have my computer back finally, but I'm hardly ever home still. When I am I just log onto my game for a few hours then crash out, writing forgotten.

Well, now that school has started again, I have my PC in my possession, and I feel as if I have tons to say, maybe this umpteenth time I'm saying this it'll actually stick.

I'm back to writing again *snicker*.

Guess we'll all see, eh?

I can now officially post from my phone.....heaven help us all!!! ;)

So....last night was fucking awesome!!!!

Much like elementary school kids, my friends and I look forward to the times when we know we are going to have field trips for school. Yes, even though we are college students, we still get field trips. No bag lunches or anything, but they are still pretty cool. During our first quarter, we went to the Sarpy County jail for our Intro to Criminal Justice class, which was interesting. J'Maylia had a fan by the time we left, even though the guard tried to block her from the guy's sight, didn't work out.

Now we are in our third quarter, and this trip was for our Policing class. Same teacher as our Intro class, and by far our favorite at the school. As she used to be a police officer here in Omaha, we have already learned a lot from her, and plan to take as many classes with her possible, she rocks. Anyway, last night's trip was to the local VA hospital, which has its own police department. We had a tour of the actual hospital, all 10 floors of it, and we did learn a lot from it. It's not the real reason we went though. The cool part came during the second half of the trip.

The police training simulator..... >:)

It was so damn awesome, I can't even describe it. We got to use the same simulator they use to train actual cops, we got to use REAL guns (modified for the simulator, but still usable if need be), pepper spray, the whole bit. There was only one thing left out that they did not do for us, which believe it or not, we were fully bummed about. When police are being trained with this, there will be an officer who shoots them with an Air Soft gun if they get shot during the simulation exercise. They didn't do that with us. Yes, we really wanted them to.

So we went through a variety of scenarios, in pairs. There was traffic stops, vets in the hospital and off their meds, school shootings, and a variety of other things. Besides having loads of fun, those of us who took it seriously really learned a lot. Some of us stayed far longer than the others just to have the opportunity to keep learning and taking more turns.

Apparently a few quarters down the line, and we are going to actually go out with police officers and do these things in a real-life situation. Well...simulated, but not on the screen.

I absolutely can't wait.

My full concentration is now on school and the military, nothing else.

So now vacation is over. Didn't do anything really except hang out and get some real sleep. Now I'm in full blown lazy mode and I need to get out of it quick.

School is back in today. *sigh*

Had a lot of time to reflect on my life in general while on vacation. Didn't really like much of what I realized, so just chose to ignore it, as I'm doing now. I don't really appreciate being toyed with, dishonesty is something I just can't and will not tolerate in my life, and I don't understand peoples' need to continue to bring it to me. I don't do it to you, so knock it the fuck off, will ya??

Still haven't had a chance to have my computer shipped out, which sucks. I miss my gaming friends, having access to the Internet without having to be here at the school all the time to accommodate that, all my music is loaded on my PC as well, and I really need to have that here. Guess I'll need to start working more again. At least long enough to get my PC and Internet set up.

Then I can go back to being a completely independent unit if I should so choose. My life is usually far simpler when I am.