Did you ever have that dream, where you're drowning, and no matter what you do, you can't save yourself?

Or the one where you're running, and you just can't get away, and you never even see what it is you're running from, or what exactly catches you?

Do you know what it feels like when you feel all that emotionally, every day....when you are awake?

Today was a pretty fucked all the way around, and just went from shit to worse when I stepped through my front door after work tonight.

I knew it was coming.

I just didn't realize it was going to happen that fast.

"Your grandma passed away...."

...fuck.

Really, it was my great-grandmother. For all intents and purposes, she was more like my grandmother, as my grandparents were, for all intents and purposes, my parents.

Which is why losing her today is so devastating for me.

She didn't suffer, which I'm glad about. She had been pretty much just been drifting in and out of sleep, not eating since this past weekend. The few times she did wake up, and she could speak, she would just tell my aunt Virginia, "I'm so tired.", and would just go back to sleep.

She was doing just that when she went. We should all be so lucky as to go in our sleep like that.

Living for 98 years takes a lot out of a person.

We all believed we would have her around for at least 5 to 10 more years. Up until last Friday, her health and demeanor supported that theory.

Then just like that....

....one week later....

....she's gone.

So many things have been going through my head since I found out a few hours ago, the main thought being I wish I could have had one last chance to say goodbye.

I had a lot more that I wanted to say, but I just can't keep a straight thought in my head, so I'm finished. I'll end it the only way I can at this point.



.... :(

Yeah, well FUCK YOU TOO!!!!

Life is an interesting thing.

Today being a good example of that.

Today I discovered I once again misplaced my trust, and was reminded of why I don't bother trying to trust anyone new. I've spent the last two years having this person's back, only to have it rudely rebuffed with one action. I have literally put my life on hold, and given my all to pick her up when she has fallen, and to be her friend and support system whenever she needed me.

What a waste of time THAT was.

Well, fuck me for falling for this bullshit again.

NEVER again....

I have enough friends.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!

The transferring process is finally complete. Everything I needed to move from my old blog to this one is now here. It took way longer to get it taken care of than it should have, but at least I can take it off my list of things to do.

Fuck you psycho, now you have to go find a new hobby. Stalking me is no longer an option for you.

Even on the off chance you did find this blog, it wouldn't matter. You are a waste of time, for everyone involved.

Now let's see if I can get my shit together, and start maintaining this place again.

Damn I've been gone for a long time....

With good reason. Well, not really, it was just work.

I live there, you know.

So it seems most of the time.

Lots of things going on lately. So much so, that I seem to run out of time to do everything. I still have lots of things that need taking care of. Looking for an apartment, for example. Yes, I'm still doing that. In an interesting turn of events, I'm now moving to an undisclosed location within the next few months. Undisclosed to the general public, that is. The people that need to know where I'll be already do.

I also had something happen at work that, once again, reminds me of why I don't trust people.

Other than that sentence, not even worth mentioning....

Can you believe it's already almost September??

...which means my favorite holiday is coming up...

HALLOWEEN!!! :)

Now just the decision on where to spend it....

I think since I spent this 4th of July with my California friends (kinda, we worked...lol), I should go home and spend Halloween there....

*note to self* inform work you will NOT be there this Halloween....eat shit, PH!!!

Another interesting (to me) development is the progress of my weight loss. As of last week, I'm officially a size smaller than I was when I graduated high school. It's kind of interesting, to be honest. The reactions of people who have never seen me this small will be interesting, especially since I will be even smaller when they see me.

What else??......

Oh...

Guess what, joo?? This beaner has a license again!!!!lol That, and I inherited grandpa's car, and I'm buying my friend Ian's bus. Which I'm hoping to con, I mean pay, you and Ziggy to help me fix....

....you guys still work for beer and joe, right?

Anyhow, now that my boss is finally back to work, and I REFUSE to be responsible for that restaurant anymore, I will have a lot more free time on my hands.

Thank fucking goodness for that.

With the beginning of the new week, I have made my "to do" list.

...finally.

As one who depends on my organizational skills to do anything important, the list was important. With the fact that my boss is yet again going out on medical leave, the time at work is going to be a huge help in accomplishing my goal to leave California at the end of the summer.

I'm writing this because right now I'm in the middle of loading my music collection onto my other computer. For the transfer of information I'm doing right now, doing anything else on that computer is impossible. The delay is horrid.

Once I finally decide on an apartment, everything else will be nothin'.

Well shit...

I have honestly meant to put way more time into this whole thing than I have, but to no avail. I just have had no time. I always seem to have more going on than I ever intend to, so something is obviously gonna suffer. After a little investigating, I discovered it's been two weeks since I did anything here.

Fuck.

I'm still not done transferring stuff from the old blog, but I'm getting damn close. Thank goodness, it will be one less thing I have to worry about. Then there is the whole apartment search thing, which while can at times be kind of a pain, gives you a lot more options, so it's just a matter of deciding on where exactly I want it to be. I'm not horribly worried about it, as I'm not really that picky. If I have my stuff with me, I can be comfortable anywhere. Probably why I'm not comfortable here in California. Most of my stuff is still in Bellingham.

The countdown is on.

27 more days.