Did you ever have that dream, where you're drowning, and no matter what you do, you can't save yourself?

Or the one where you're running, and you just can't get away, and you never even see what it is you're running from, or what exactly catches you?

Do you know what it feels like when you feel all that emotionally, every day....when you are awake?

Today was a pretty fucked all the way around, and just went from shit to worse when I stepped through my front door after work tonight.

I knew it was coming.

I just didn't realize it was going to happen that fast.

"Your grandma passed away...."

...fuck.

Really, it was my great-grandmother. For all intents and purposes, she was more like my grandmother, as my grandparents were, for all intents and purposes, my parents.

Which is why losing her today is so devastating for me.

She didn't suffer, which I'm glad about. She had been pretty much just been drifting in and out of sleep, not eating since this past weekend. The few times she did wake up, and she could speak, she would just tell my aunt Virginia, "I'm so tired.", and would just go back to sleep.

She was doing just that when she went. We should all be so lucky as to go in our sleep like that.

Living for 98 years takes a lot out of a person.

We all believed we would have her around for at least 5 to 10 more years. Up until last Friday, her health and demeanor supported that theory.

Then just like that....

....one week later....

....she's gone.

So many things have been going through my head since I found out a few hours ago, the main thought being I wish I could have had one last chance to say goodbye.

I had a lot more that I wanted to say, but I just can't keep a straight thought in my head, so I'm finished. I'll end it the only way I can at this point.



.... :(