Is it my unfailing and brutal honesty? Something my real friends love about me, but what most other people who are around me can't handle.
Is it my generosity? The fact that I would help anyone, from my dearest friend to a complete stranger, if I thought I could make their life easier? Or the fact that I don't ever expect anything in return?
Maybe it is just my insane sense of humor, eh? I love the fact that I can make people laugh, even when they may not necessarily want to. It's something I consider a hell of a talent, even if no one else sees it the same way.
Is it my free spirit? The fact that I live every day like it was my last, with no regrets or apologies? Whether it was by God or osmosis or whatever that I am alive and here, I have a deep appreciation for the fact that I exist, and I refuse to take it for granted. No matter how hard some have tried, they will never take that from me.
It's pretty much a combination of all these things, along with one unmentioned major factor. It's not anything that is easily definable, but it's something I have come to realize about myself in the last 10 years or so. Something I picked up on shortly after my car accident, which brought about an epiphany of sorts.
You see, I have this "spark" inside me that is undeniable. It has been the basis of my survival my whole life, though I didn't realize it was there before.
It's what draws people to me, even when I don't want it to...which is most of the time. Many of my friends would be the first to tell you, I am normally not approachable. I admittedly give a "stay the fuck away from me" vibe when you first meet me, but that's just the way I roll.
If you are one of the few I let into my life on any level, that same spark is what keeps you all around, and if you think about it just a little, you will know that I'm right.
You see, with me, it's all or nothing. You are either my best friend or nothing. Granted, there are some people that have surpassed the level of best friend, and those are the people I consider family. Aside from my brothers and sisters, my "family" has been personally handpicked, because blood is not always the tie that binds.
Don't misunderstand. While those different levels exist, it doesn't mean I love any of you any less. I don't look for or expect perfection of anyone I let into my life. Even if there are certain things you do that I don't agree with, there is more than enough good in you to balance it out. Sure, there are people who have slipped through my radar, but they are few and far between. I figure it out pretty quick, and they are pushed out of my life like they never existed.
At that, I am a pro. Sad, but true.
It's that spark that helps me make you smile. It's what inspires me to be honest with you, even if it's something that you may not want to hear. It's what makes me protective of you, it's what makes me want to help you in anyway I can, no matter how minor or major. It's what makes me care. When I tell you I would give you the shirt off my back, or the last penny I have to my name to make sure you are okay, it's that same spark that let's you know that every word I say is true.
When I say I would give up my own life to ensure that you keep yours, it's that spark that will make it come true should the need ever arise.
All that said....
Having that spark comes with a price.
While it's easy for me to make everyone else happy, it's rare that I am. It's something I learned to live with a long time ago, and honestly, it has ceased to bother me. When you give so much of yourself, there has to be a balance.
That balance is my sadness.
Some of you will read this and not understand, but that is because you are not supposed to. You will never see that part of me because I will never allow you to.
Believe me, you wouldn't be able to handle it.
I did have a short time when I was disgustingly happy. You see, I met someone else a few years ago that had same said spark to them, even though I know he doesn't even realize it yet. For the rest of my life he will be my dearest friend and the only man I will ever truly love. With him not being around right now, I have pretty much retreated back to my old ways of keeping my distance, even though most of you don't even realize it. If you are wondering if I am talking about you, then I'm not, because I have stated this to him personally, and my friendship with him in the most precious thing in the world to me.
I will let no one else into that part of my life...ever.
So I will continue to go out of my way to be the one to make you laugh, the one who will speak up for you when no one else will, who will kick anybody's ass if they fuck with you, and hopefully the one who will make you smile when you think about me, even when I'm no longer around.
Because that spark is what gives me purpose in life. To make a positive difference in whatever way I can, to have make as many people happy as I can, and to inspire love in all of you, in any way possible.
Believe me...it's enough.
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