So much for not being a whiny asshole.

As stated on my Facebook page about a week or so ago, I do NOT know why I bother waking up in the morning. It is a complete waste of time, since every day I seem to wake up to a fresh new hell. Nothing has any meaning anymore, and I don't care. I have no desire or any plan to attempt to make it better, it always turns out a fail anyway.

I had a nice run though. Thinking I was really gonna have that happy ending was kind of nice. Especially since I always suspected I wouldn't. Turns out I was correct about the latter. No surprise.

Another fail came today in the form of a now permanently crushed ambition, my dream if you will. I have always wanted a career in the military, and was steadily working towards it a couple of years ago. Was about ready to go to MEPS, sign and ship. Then a wonderful friendship became a very amazing relationship, and due to the request of the person who has my heart, I gave up that one thing that I always wanted.

My bad.

Do I regret the decision? It's hard to say. If I had it to do over again, I would do it the exact same way. I would also be having the same emotional breakdown I'm presently having, knowing that there is nothing I can do about it now.

The Army has once again lowered the recruitment age, so that makes me no longer eligible.

I don't really know how else to put it except to say FUCK MY LIFE...

I know there are plenty of people in my life that are glad to know this information, as they never wanted me to go anyway.

If said people give a shit about me even the tiniest bit as they say they do, they will all kindly keep their fucking mouths shut about their joy in this development.

I don't want to hear the "I'm sorry" or "It's probably for the best" OR "Maybe it just means you weren't supposed to go" statements from anybody. I made a quick decision based on being in love with someone, and it's just another regret I will have to live with for the rest of my life, which will likely be far longer than need be.

All around fail.

I don't regret giving it up for him, nor do I blame him. Just another pothole in the road of my life, hahahaha.

Whatever, fuck it.

It's been a hell of a weekend so far.

Friday was okay for the most part. Spent a good amount of hours gaming, watched a couple of movies....typical stuff, ya know? Hit a bump in the road in the midst of all that, which of course has made it so I'm all out of sorts again. Doing my best to work around it but seem to be failing. Oh well *shrugs*.

Saturday pretended like it was gonna be an okay day, but it was just kidding. Felt like total shit and skipped school that morning because of it. Slept as much as I could then got up and went to work. Unfortunately, can't skip that if you are sick. Appealing, right? People can't call out sick now without having a doctor's note to come back with. Never mind that you barely have enough money to pay your rent and bills, let alone anything else. You think us lowly fast food workers can afford health insurance?? PFFFFFFTT!!! How do you think these places keep themselves in managers even though they don't usually pay very well? It's all about the health insurance that comes with the position.

Screw that, I will continue to go to work sick/injured before I'll do management again...that's part of the reason I'm going to school. So I don't have to do that shit anymore. But I digress.

Got to work, found out yet another person got fired. No big deal, it's not like she really worked when she was there anyway. She made it a week and a half. Found out I was taking orders for drive-thru that night, massive fail to start off the night. Slow customer day so it wasn't all that bad as it turns out. Trying to help the new guy later in the night by pulling out his oven racks he forgot, managed to burn my right arm in 4 different places, so now my arm is a hot mess. Nice.

So I just figure I will make myself feel better by spending the night on GW, knowing I didn't have to get up in the morning or go to work and could spend all day today doing the same. Didn't quite work out the way I had planned.

Fuck.

While I was getting set up for my mega gaming marathon, I noticed my mouse wasn't working. So I shut down my computer, unplug/plug it back in, and restart. Problem is, it doesn't want to restart now. Keeps telling me it's not receiving a video signal and refuses to restart from the prompt screen, no matter how much I scream at it.

Fuck.

So I decided the hell with it and just went to sleep about 4 hours earlier than originally intended. Talk about lame. Woke up this morning and tried everything I could think of to get this damn thing going again, but it was a no go. So I said screw it and ran the system recovery, which of course fixed whatever the problem was, but also erased everything I had in my PC at the time. I have everything saved on various memory sticks and such, but some of those are in Cali, so I will have to pick them up or send for them to have everything back in my computer. That also means all my music I had stored in here is gone, again. Something else that I will have to redo now, but also requires Cali involvement. *sigh*

So within the next few months my computer should be back to normal, but as long as I can log into GW, it's honestly the only thing I care about. It's the only thing I have left that makes me truly happy.

Sad, eh? Maybe to you, but not to me.

1st week back to school done.

It's gonna be a long and boring quarter it seems.

Wednesday I have State and Local Government. We had a sub the first day of class so I can't really full on rate this one yet. The teacher we had for the night was pretty cool, but it still wasn't enough for the class to not be boring as hell. Nothing like paying to take classes that are equivalent to what you took in high school. Stupid general education classes.

Friday nights is my Intro to Personal Computers class. Apparently it is important for me to know how to take a computer apart and put it back together to earn my degree in Criminal Justice. Well, it's just what I like to consider one of my "easy A" classes.

Saturday morning is my Criminology class. It was the one I was actually looking forward to this quarter, but so far is running the risk of being my most boring class this quarter. To be fair, not so much the class as the teacher....slept through most of his class today. Should have just stayed in bed.

Not a whole lot going on other than that at the moment. Getting a few more hours at work (Wendy's) due to so many people being fired or quitting. Now if I could just get them to stop scheduling me on my days off I'd be set. Got a new general manager at my other job (Jimmy John's) and so far that situation is an utter fail. People are dropping out of that place like flies as well. I almost left myself but that extra money keeps my head above water (barely) money-wise, so I can't afford to leave just yet.

Talk about inspiration to stay in school and do good.

All I want is to finish school and go into the military. Nothing else will be sufficient at this point in my life. The only other thing that makes me happy is bound to the military himself right now, and without him nothing else matters. So I just pass the time in any way I can and right now that's school.

It's him or nobody, plain and simple.

Yes, I jump around on what I talk about, but that's just me. Those who have read my blog before know this already and are used to it. I just say what I feel when I feel like it. I know some people are jealous because they can't exhibit that kind of honesty, but it's something I have not only always been good at, but something I pride myself on.

Nothing to hide and no reason to do so.

As I may have said before, if you have a question, ask....if you have a comment, post it....if you think I'm full of shit about some of the things I write, feel free to tell me so. I rarely get offended so I'm game to discuss anything. Other than that, if you are here reading this then there must be something about me that is at least vaguely interesting to you. I will say one very important thing though....

If you think by reading any or all of this blog that it means you KNOW me.....you are in for a very rude awakening.

There are literally 3 people in the world that can legitimately claim the REALLY know me, and they know who they are. That is my limit, I will never let anyone else get as close as I let them.

That's just me.

I keep saying I'm coming back to write full-time again, then I disappear for another couple of months.

I don't mean to, it just keeps happening that way.

When I got my new phone and realized I could access the Internet and post from there, I figured I would start getting more writing done, but as it turns out I was wrong about that one.

I have my computer back finally, but I'm hardly ever home still. When I am I just log onto my game for a few hours then crash out, writing forgotten.

Well, now that school has started again, I have my PC in my possession, and I feel as if I have tons to say, maybe this umpteenth time I'm saying this it'll actually stick.

I'm back to writing again *snicker*.

Guess we'll all see, eh?

I can now officially post from my phone.....heaven help us all!!! ;)

So....last night was fucking awesome!!!!

Much like elementary school kids, my friends and I look forward to the times when we know we are going to have field trips for school. Yes, even though we are college students, we still get field trips. No bag lunches or anything, but they are still pretty cool. During our first quarter, we went to the Sarpy County jail for our Intro to Criminal Justice class, which was interesting. J'Maylia had a fan by the time we left, even though the guard tried to block her from the guy's sight, didn't work out.

Now we are in our third quarter, and this trip was for our Policing class. Same teacher as our Intro class, and by far our favorite at the school. As she used to be a police officer here in Omaha, we have already learned a lot from her, and plan to take as many classes with her possible, she rocks. Anyway, last night's trip was to the local VA hospital, which has its own police department. We had a tour of the actual hospital, all 10 floors of it, and we did learn a lot from it. It's not the real reason we went though. The cool part came during the second half of the trip.

The police training simulator..... >:)

It was so damn awesome, I can't even describe it. We got to use the same simulator they use to train actual cops, we got to use REAL guns (modified for the simulator, but still usable if need be), pepper spray, the whole bit. There was only one thing left out that they did not do for us, which believe it or not, we were fully bummed about. When police are being trained with this, there will be an officer who shoots them with an Air Soft gun if they get shot during the simulation exercise. They didn't do that with us. Yes, we really wanted them to.

So we went through a variety of scenarios, in pairs. There was traffic stops, vets in the hospital and off their meds, school shootings, and a variety of other things. Besides having loads of fun, those of us who took it seriously really learned a lot. Some of us stayed far longer than the others just to have the opportunity to keep learning and taking more turns.

Apparently a few quarters down the line, and we are going to actually go out with police officers and do these things in a real-life situation. Well...simulated, but not on the screen.

I absolutely can't wait.

My full concentration is now on school and the military, nothing else.

So now vacation is over. Didn't do anything really except hang out and get some real sleep. Now I'm in full blown lazy mode and I need to get out of it quick.

School is back in today. *sigh*

Had a lot of time to reflect on my life in general while on vacation. Didn't really like much of what I realized, so just chose to ignore it, as I'm doing now. I don't really appreciate being toyed with, dishonesty is something I just can't and will not tolerate in my life, and I don't understand peoples' need to continue to bring it to me. I don't do it to you, so knock it the fuck off, will ya??

Still haven't had a chance to have my computer shipped out, which sucks. I miss my gaming friends, having access to the Internet without having to be here at the school all the time to accommodate that, all my music is loaded on my PC as well, and I really need to have that here. Guess I'll need to start working more again. At least long enough to get my PC and Internet set up.

Then I can go back to being a completely independent unit if I should so choose. My life is usually far simpler when I am.

I'm so tired of posting this depressing shit already.

Not gonna do it anymore.

Can't say my mood has improved much, but at least I'm to a point where I can hide it again.

It's been a survival tool of mine for years, and has proved useful on far too many occasions. The hurt I have dealt with over the last couple of months has been worse than anything I've had to deal with before, and that is saying a lot, considering my past.

I will make it through it though...I always do. So moving on....

I bought batteries for my camera (finally *rolls eyes*), so now it is time to get back to it. Time to start my writing again, and dedicate just as much time to it as I used to. For those who have read my ramblings before, you know this is just my diary. I share a lot more than most would, but it's just me, as I don't have anything to hide really, never have. There are some parts of my life that I choose to keep private, but those are few. This blog will prove that point again shortly.

Honest to a fault, that would be me. Sometimes an advantage, has also been known to be detrimental. As is my life. I just go with it. Nothing better to do really hahaha

Going to hang out for the next couple of days with one of my buddies. When I'm not there, the animals miss me. Two dogs, three cats. They all adore me, it's like having pets of my own again without the actual responsibility. Gonna play with my camera tonight when I get there and get some pics posted of them in their awesomeness.

Cheers all. ;)

Yeah, I haven't been here. There is a reason.

Aside from the fact that I've been too busy with school, my thoughts have been way too dark and ugly for me to want to put them down for public consumption.

It's hard to talk sometimes when you don't like yourself anymore.

Even at my worst times, it was never difficult to get it out of my system.

Guess those times weren't as bad as I had thought. Not like these are.

One more class in the morning, and this quarter is complete. To be quite honest, I really couldn't care less. If it wasn't for the fact that I already have financial aid covering the bill for now, and I'm financially committed already, I wouldn't bother continuing. My heart just isn't in it anymore.

My heart is just not there anymore. Period.