More of my randomness at its best

Yeah, well, its been a couple of weeks, but I've been busy. Fostering my video game addiction, because it keeps my mind occupied.

It's what I need at the time, what can I say?

As always though, there are a million thoughts going through my head. My brain is in constant overdrive, something that has always been. To my own detriment, as far as I'm concerned.

One lesson I have learned well over this last year...keep your friends close, and your enemies closer...always. Just because I'm being quiet doesn't mean I'm not paying attention. Trust me, I learned long ago how to play the game better than you.

You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends, and they can be your true family. I don't pick my friends by their age, race, or anything like that. They just kind of happen, usually suddenly. My closest friends have happened pretty instantly. The 'friendships' I have to put actual work into are usually the ones that end up being false. Funny, eh?

I don't use the "friend" tag lightly either. You are either my best friend, or merely an acquaintance. Just the way it works for me.

After all, I'm not the easiest person to be friends with in the first place. I'm usually pretty difficult to keep track of, but it's not because I don't care. It's just because I don't want to be the cause of any hurt, and there is a lot more dark in me than light. I guarantee it will always be that way, and my true friends know that, and deal with it the best they can.

I know it makes you sad sometimes, and for that, I'm truly sorry...

It's why my friends are my family though...they are with me no matter what.

It's almost Christmas time, and I'm glad....because then it will be over. I hate the fucking holidays with a passion. Just a couple more weeks, and the bullshit is over. Some of the other holidays after the new year, I will thankfully miss, because I will be in basic training...another finally.

I wish I was in Washington, and not in California. This place sucks ass. Shut up Dan...you know the only reason I came here was because I promised my grandma I would.

It's 1 am here now...and 3am somewhere else in the world. Which means it's about time for me to go hang out with one my best friends who always makes me smile.

That also makes me think of the best of all my friends, whose smile makes my heart skip, and makes it break all at the same time...

I also think of yet another friend, who always goes out of her way to remind me that I am loved, no matter what I think otherwise.

And of my other friends, who are newer to my life, who are still adjusting to being in my life, and still getting used to wandering through the dark part of it. I wish sometimes I could help them understand it better, but I have yet to figure out how...

I myself am astounded by how many people have told me I'm going to be missed when I leave for the Army. It's nice to know they care, but I'm still surprised by it.

Maybe next year will be better, maybe it won't. I'm fairly indifferent to it either way.

Hope doesn't exist in the dictionary of my life. Only existence does.

I haven't written much lately, mostly due to a very busy schedule. Getting ready to leave for basic training takes up a lot of time. I was hoping to be gone by now, but with the military, there is a lot of "hurry up and wait". So here I sit...

...waiting.

Many things have changed for me in the last year, and some of you have borne witness to that, via this blog. Some things shared were very difficult, yet at the same time, have been equivalent to a cleansing of sorts.

Why does love have to hurt so fucking bad? ...meh..

Why are the few people I love most always the first to exit my life?

Guess it's just the way it goes, huh?

...and so it goes.

I am more anxious to begin my time in the military than ever before. It will take me away from the things I would rather not deal with or think about. With every passing day, I am more and more tempted to return to my world of solitude, and just say "fuck it" altogether.

My life just seems to be easier that way. Loneliness has never been an issue.

As a matter of fact, it's a preference.

Here I sit, just continuing to pass time, with nothing I really care to look forward to. As is my life.

Here I sit...taking up space.

Here I sit...wishing I just wasn't.

Here I sit...knowing I have served any purpose I was meant to, and knowing I don't have another.

And I will continue to sit here, on my own, trying to smile, but unable....

...pretending to be okay, but far from it.

Just sitting....never standing.

For "Eh cue" :)

Sometimes, I wonder if maybe something is wrong with me...

...besides the obvious brain damage my friends know me for...lol

I have this 'thing', you see...

This thing that makes me give a shit more about the people that are important to me than about myself. Not that it bothers me, but it tends to bother others sometimes. Mostly because I let myself get fucked over in the process.

As is my life...

Like a friend I was having a conversation with today. I won't get into too many particulars, as it was a private conversation, and none of your business. Let's just suffice it to say that this particular friend is dealing with the issue of being in love for the first time. I spent a good deal of time trying to cheer them up, and just basically did my best to talk them through a bad day.

I hope I did okay.

None of us really knows when or where or IF it is ever gonna happen. Love, that is. Even if it does, it comes with no guarantee. Having a few years on my friend, I have dealt with this on a few different levels up to this point in my life. I regret none of it, but definitely identify with what they are dealing with right now.

Where as the other party in 'their' case has no clue as to the feelings held, the best thing I could really say to that was it can be a lot harder when they do know. Sometimes the other party can even go as far as abusing and taking advantage of the fact they know you feel that way about them.

I hope you never have to deal with that. I've been lucky in that myself, but I've seen other friends go through that, and it's very painful to watch.

For the majority of the human race, love is a big fat pain in the ass. I think I may have mentioned that once before, but I don't remember, and don't really feel like looking back to see.

If I knew then what I know now...would I take any of it back, regret or no?

Well, in all cases except one...yup, I sure would.

It's different for everyone, definitely. Most people don't think about it the same way I do, and shouldn't. I really don't trust people, and have no need to meet anybody new. Besides, I'm comfortable enough with myself to know that I would rather spend the rest of my time on earth alone than settle for someone I didn't really love just to not be by myself...

...bullshit on that.

For better or worse Cookie, it's gonna work out the way it is meant to. As much as I know it hurts now, it's just gonna make you stronger, no matter what the outcome.

So smile, damn you, so I don't have to tackle YOU... :)

Any asshole can make a child, it doesn't make them a parent

The people that know me well know how I feel about my parents. For those that don't that well, and haven't read any of my older posts, I will save you the trouble...

I don't like them.

Mostly due to the fact that they have never been parents. To me, or the rest of my brothers and sisters. Tonight just reiterated that fact once again.

I had just sat down in my room to eat my dinner, when my mobile rings...

..fuck.

'Cause it was my 'father', and no one can piss me off faster than he can. Well, that's not exactly true, my 'mother' can, but I don't talk to that bitch, haven't for about 14 years, and I intend to keep that number rising.

Anyhow, it's not the fact that he called me, it was the reason.

"You know it's your brother Martin's birthday today." Sometimes, it's really difficult for me not to sound annoyed, and I must say I did a monumentally good job of hiding my annoyance today. I'm very proud of myself for that, not really sure why.

All I said was, "...okay.." To which I got...

"I don't remember what year he was born, do you?"

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!

The fucking two of you, I swear. You can make them well enough, but taking care of any of them is a hell of a feat isn't it?????????

Let me give you a bit of background of WHY I'm so upset about all this.

When I was 12, my father's second wife accused him of molesting my brother Martin, who at that time was 2, and my sister Ophelia, who was 5. Now keep in mind their was medical proof that nothing like that had happened, but at that time, her word was enough to make it go to court. My mother being the attention whore she was, and is, decided to tell the court that he had done the same to me when they were still married. While that had happened to me when I was younger, my father was NOT the one who did it. They took my mother at word as well, so I was dragged to court, psychologists, police departments, lawyers, etc. for about a year dealing with this bullshit.

This is where it gets really interesting...

At the end of all this, or I should say what brought it to an end was...

Barbara (wife number 2) told the court that if he gave up all rights and visiting privileges to Martin and Ophelia right then, she would drop all the charges, and not take a penny from him for their care, she just wanted him away from the three of them.

If he could have signed those papers in blood to get them signed faster, he would have. He jumped on that deal so fast, it was disgusting.

I have seen neither Martin or Ophelia since that last day in court, now over 20 years. I will never forgive him for that...ever.

So don't call acting like you give a fuck now. You had your chance to be their father. If you cared, you would have fought to the death for those two. You don't even remember what year they were born. I do, but fuck if I'm gonna tell you.

I have a brother Robert who is 8 years old at present, another product of another relationship gone wrong, and another brother that I hardly know, thanks to my father's bullshit. Another child he doesn't help to take care of. A child who needs his father, because his mother is a psychotic retard.

Just another fantastic reason for me to be excited about joining the military and leaving this place....

I can stop supporting the father who never bothered to support me, in any way.

To my friends and family :)

You know how it is when you are waiting for something? Something you really want?

Time drags ass....

Waiting for things has never been one of my strong suits...

Probably because there is so very little in life that I ever want.

I have no issue with that, but like I said...when there is something I want, I fucking hate having to wait for it.

In case you're wondering what I'm babbling about, it's just that I am so damn close to leaving for basic training, yet it is still far enough away to annoy the piss out of me. It's literally just weeks, but for me, that is far too damn long. Mostly 'cause I was ready to go like YESTERDAY...oh, well....

I've gotten quite the mixed reaction to this whole thing. The couple of people who's opinion truly matters seem to be the ones who are having the most problem with this. A couple of my newer friends (like Dora) also seem to have issue with it, so it is basically a non-subject for now.

Guess what guys? It won't be a non-subject when I leave, because my absence will be a lot more noticeable then...

It's a little hard for me to understand a few of these reactions, but mostly because the people who are reacting haven't known me as long. The only one who can really bitch at me about it and get away with it is Dan, but that's because he knows my personal history better than anyone, save one person...

Well, I have been taking care of myself my whole life, so I think I can handle this decision on my own, thank you. I appreciate that some people are worried, and why, but I will say the same thing here as I have in person.

I run the same risk of injury and damage living here in Southern California as I do going anywhere else. As do any one of you, wherever you happen to be.

Remember all the times you said to me, at various times over the years, "you are too smart to be working at a place like this.."?

Bet you fuckers are regretting that shit now, ain't ya??

You are just gonna have to trust that I know what I'm doing, and that I will be okay.

Love you guys....

You know what annoys the hell out of me?? Being sick. It really is a waste of my fucking time. I have better things to do, you know? I seem to be getting over it now, though. Well, at least enough to get me running my normal schedule again tomorrow.

4 wasted days of my life I will never get back. Fuck....

The only thing that has made me happy in the last few days?

C'mon, where ya been?

"Heroes" was on last night.

Sylar is still the man, and just getting more awesome.....if that's even possible.

WTF with Niki/Jessica/Stacey.....really? How many are there? Seems we will find out soon, as it seems the girls were made, not born...

Matt's story line just got a million times more interesting...

Hiro and Ando still make me giggle....

Suresh is getting dumber...what the hell is wrong with that dude??

If one more person ends up being in the Petrelli family, I swear....so NOW Gabriel (Sylar), Peter, and Nathan are brothers, Claire is Nathan's daughter...for fucks sake....

H.R.G. is still a bad ass. There is no taking that man down.

I have to say I'm way more impressed with Elle, and I hope they do something interesting with her SOON....

Anyway, I'm done with that for now, it's time to get some sleep.. :)

For "Dora" :)

Well Dora, I figure this is the best way for me to go about giving you what you've been asking me for...

GIRL SECRETS!!!!! ;-)

This is a guide, maybe with a bit more honesty than most guys are gonna be able to handle. It will start off mildly, but then it will get a bit more "detailed" toward the end. I will be collaborating with several other girls on this, so this is NOT just coming from me, it IS a "girl" group effort.

You "guys" want to really know what is going through our heads? Well, I'll give you quite a bit of it, but you will NEVER get all of it.

Even the nicest girl ain't that nice....

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

...and so it begins...

This one I gave you already, Dora, but I feel I should share it with the other boys too.

1) When having a conversation with one of us girls, we don't really think that you're paying that much attention, and we honestly don't care. We do, however, appreciate those that make the effort to seem like they are. It helps tremendously if you don't make it that damn obvious that you are staring at our boobs. I mean, if you're just that short, that's different. It's not that it bothers us, it doesn't....not even a little bit. All we want is for you to PRETEND that you aren't.

Besides...you think we aren't checking things out ourselves?? We're just better at hiding it. Yeah, we already checked your package before you even looked at our tits the first time, believe it. Also, believe we have totally checked out your ass too, whilst you were walking away.

Another little piece of advice for ya....if you are gonna check out other girls, don't do it when you're with your girl. That is just stupid, disrespectful, and a guarantee that you aren't gonna get any for a while. 'Cause if you were with that girl you were just staring at looking at one of us, the consequence would be exactly the same.

2) This one I love sharing. We know you boys are always talking some perverted shit about us girls, like the things you would do if you got the chance, the things you'd love to try, etc. Well, guess what??

So are we!!!! We are WAY worse than you guys, we just chatter amongst ourselves, not all out loud to everyone like you boys do. Well....that's not entirely true. Kat, Susie, Chelsey and I are pretty vocal about that stuff, and are pretty good at making our guy friends blush. Most girls will keep it to themselves though. The most common theme, by the way, is the fact that you couldn't even handle us!!! More on that in a bit.....

3) DON'T pretend to be something or someone you are not. We fucking hate that shit. No relationship will ever work based on lies, I promise. Don't act like you like the same shit we do, if you don't. Besides, it will end up biting you in the ass eventually, especially if that thing you're trying to have in common 'cause "your girl really likes it" is something you actually hate and despise. Then you'll be expected to do or enjoy said thing with your girl ALL THE TIME, and if you try to say later you really don't like it, you get busted for lying and pretending you did, and you just wasted a lot of time doing something you hated.

Was it worth it?? Doubt it. And guess what? We wouldn't do it for you...


4) Please....be the man in the relationship. Granted, there are definitely a contingent of girls that like to be in charge of everything, but those are usually the girls you don't want to have a relationship with anyways. Unless you are a lazy fuck, in which case, you are on your own. MOST of us girls want to be the female in the relationship, and the more time goes on, and the more you let us basically get away with anything AND boss you around....well boys, that is just the beginning of the end. If we wanted to be the dude in the relationship....

...we'd be lesbians.

Admittedly, there are times when we do like to be in control of things, but that is usually in the matter of sex, and we aren't there yet....

I can say this though....if you are with a girl that you are already dating, or that you know wants to date or be with you, there are certain things that we don't expect you to ask permission to do. For example, don't ask things like, "can I kiss you?" or "can I touch your boob?", 'cause OMFG, you just totally killed the mood, AND now we believe you have a vagina.

5) Speaking of asking things....you know which one really annoys us to no end????

"What's wrong? Are you okay? Are you sure?" Only girls do that, and when boys do it, it is THE biggest turn off ever, and we lose interest really quickly after that. What are you, my mother???

I don't even like my mom, so I certainly don't want to hear that shit, and none of the other girls do either....

I'm not saying not to care, but just asking once is sufficient. We will tell you when we are damn good and ready. Anything more than that, I guarantee, we are just gonna get annoyed, and you aren't getting anything from us anytime soon.

6) We do like to be told we're pretty and all that, but don't lie about it. If we just rolled out of bed, and look like hell, we know it. Don't lie, we hate that shit. If we are going out together somewhere, and we are wearing something we shouldn't, and you know it, tell us before we walk out the door. If we figure it out when it's too late for us to go back and do something about it, we will be taking it out on you later. It doesn't matter if technically it's not your fault, we will still blame you, because you are supposed to be our counterpart, and if we look like shit, we think that means you aren't paying attention to us, which makes us even more mad. So, if I "look fat in those jeans", you better fucking tell me.

7) This one is very important, so pay attention. Do NOT EVER compare us to any of your ex-girlfriend's, some other girl you like, or your mom....

....unless you are trying to be single again.

We are not that girl, and if you're so fascinated with that bitch still, then go be with her. And any comparisons made between your girl and your mom is just damn creepy. When with a girl, she deserves a clean slate of her own. Sorry if you have been fucked over by 8 other girls, that doesn't mean we should be lumped in with them and their bullshit.

I am not that girl, I am me. Remember that.

Warning!!!! This part of the post will be graphic, so if you can't hang with that, NOW is the time to bail....

I will start by saying this, Dora. If you weren't more mature than most of the guys I know that are twice your age, I wouldn't be including this part. But ya are, and I don't want you with some stupid ass bitch, so I will include it.

As I said before, us girls are just as sexual as you boys, maybe even more so in some cases. We do have a few rules, so pay attention....

1) We all have those days when we are just so damn horny we can barely stand it...boys and girls, okay? But.....and this is of course under the assumption you are either sleeping over, or living with said girl....

We do not want to wake up and catching you whacking it. Really? You couldn't get up and go to the bathroom or something? Now don't get me wrong...it doesn't bother us that you do it. Hell, most of us like to watch....

...didn't see that coming, did ya????

...but it's just kinda creepy waking up and catching you doing it. On that note...

2) There will be days when you wake up, we are still sleeping, and yet the overwhelming urge to jump us is just there.

Wake us up, would ya? We don't even have to be all the way awake, barely conscious is acceptable, but we appreciate the warning we are about to be molested. Unless you want to run the risk of damage, a warning is appropriate.

3) Girls are pretty damn open to suggestion, probably more than ya think. Remember, it's always okay to ask, what's the worst that can happen? We say no? Big deal!!! For the very few no's that you'll get, you will probably get dozens of yes's or "why not?".

This kinda plays back into that whole "who's in charge" thing. For the most part, we just want you to do, not ask. If we don't like what you're doing, we will tell you. You boys can be rough without actually hurting us, we love having our hair pulled while we are "doing it", etc. Like I said, if we don't like it, we will tell you. That being said, there are a few big no-no's. I will give you one, from one of my girls, but I ain't tellin' ya which one told me to put this....

"Do NOT ask us to blow you when you are on the fucking toilet, it ain't gonna happen!!!!" Yes, guys do ask for that.....DUMB boys, that is.

4) This one is very important, so definitely pay attention!!!! 99% of the time, the size of your dick does not matter!!!!!

I put 99% of the time, 'cause there is always at least one exception....like Kyle. (Score one for my Kat XD)

ANYHOW, it doesn't matter. Seriously. If you are with someone you care about, or you just know how to own it, it all works out. The only girls that really care about that shit are the loose bitches that are all fucked out 'cause they sleep with anyone, and it's the only thing that works for them anymore. It may sound a little mean, but it's true. Just because we are able to pass a child, doesn't mean that anything will just fit there. Understand?

5) We do not care if you bust first. We don't as long as you at least attempt to help us out in that department as well. Don't just roll over and go to sleep 'cause you're done. That will cut down on us giving it to you whenever you want. Which leads to....

6) Don't expect to get it whenever the hell YOU want it. We are pretty accommodating about it, but sometimes we just don't feel like it. Doesn't mean you're never gonna get it again, so stop being a fucking baby about it. That makes us just wanna hold out on you, even if we want to do it worse than you do at the moment. One of the other girls says....

"Do not expect us to give you sex 24/7....unless you get us something pretty. That offer only has a week warranty though."

Girls are stubborn bitches about that shit.

OOOOHHHHHHHH.....can't believe I almost forgot this one!!!!

7) After an argument or fight.....chocolate and flowers are a nice gesture, but....

....make up sex is WAY fucking better!!!!

8) Hygiene is important. VERY important. We only want our boys to be sweaty if we are in the process of fucking you. AND if you expect to be blown on a regular basis, then a little maintenance is appreciated. It works both ways, ya know.

Okay, I will give you one more, and probably the most important one of all, as far as I'm concerned....

9) Don't cheat. It's never okay, and if it's something you are ever seriously considering doing, you need to break up with the person you are with, because it's obviously not working out. Even if the girl cheats on you first, it's not okay. If you do it for that reason, you are just as bad, and bringing yourself down to their level, and it's not worth it.

Don't think we won't find out either. We always know when our man has been somewhere he shouldn't have, and only the stupidest of girls would tolerate it.

Well Dora, I think that should have you pretty set up. You and any other boy who reads this. If it doesn't, well, that means there is probably some girl there who's boobs are more important than what you are reading. :)

One last piece of advice for everyone out there reading this....

No love without the glove....

You can't get rid of anything you catch anymore, and you don't know where some girls have been. There are a few of us nice girls left, but not many, so be damn careful. ;-)

I was so NOT disappointed!!!!

When you put time into certain things, you hate when they get ruined for whatever reason. Especially the few TV shows I bother watching.

I'm VERY happy to say, my show is only getting fucking BETTER!!!!

As you saw from the previous post, I was very excited about the fact that my favorite TV show EVER started again on Monday.

It was better than I could have ever hoped for.

I will be writing a longer post about it tomorrow, because it is going to be ridiculously long and detailed, full of spoilers, comments, and predictions. Hell, and why not? Pictures too....

Not only was Monday's episode great, I got 2 episodes in a row!!!

Plus, since G4 is on my favorite channel list, I watched both episodes again on Tuesday AND Wednesday.

I couldn't be more of a nerd if I tried. :)

It's almost time!!

OMFG. I'm so excited, I can barely damn stand it!!

On Monday, my show is back on...

"Heroes" season 3 starts Monday night!!!

I don't care if you watch it or not. This is my blog, and this is my very sweet way of telling you that while I'm still home, between 8:59 pm and 10:01 pm, I am completely unavailable. For anything.

Tomorrow, while I'm playing GW, I will be re watching season 1, and on Sunday, season 2, just to make sure I haven't forgotten anything.

...I am such a nerd.