So once again, I'm starting over from scratch.

With everything.

Looking for a new job.

Doing my research to get my ass back into school.

Being happy with the relationship I'm in right now. Completely for once...no stress/no drama is actually very nice. Wishing the same for my BFFF, I know he'll work it out.

Been getting in contact with friends I have cared about since I was a teenager, and re-connecting with friends I've made in the more recent years of my life. Also people I care about very much. I'm trying to get better about staying in contact, but as usual, I'm making no promises. I'm so used to being a self-contained unit, I forget that there are still people who give a shit about me. Sorry about that guys and gals.

Back to the writing. Damn I've missed it. I attempted to start over again at the beginning of this year, but so much random and time consuming shit has happened since the get, I honestly have thought little of doing it. It's time to start again though, as I've been spending more and more time on this damn computer of mine. What can I say, it makes me happy.

Hmmm.... I really should get to bed though, as it is 8:16 in the a.m., and I do have to work later. Yay for me. Hate my fucking job, if I could afford to quit, I wouldn't even bother to go back, starting today. Need to stay a bit longer though, but not much believe you me. I'll will be gone before the year is out.

Nap time.

More examples of my twisted sense of humor :)

If you know me at all, you know how much I LOVE "Star Wars". If you've been even an occasional visitor to this blog, you will also know how much I LOVE "Robot Chicken". That being said...

Boba's back!

Going Out Like A Punk

Take Your Daughter To Work Day

Little Mean Pepper Shaker

Jar-Jar for Gecko Insurance

XD

People continue to astound me. The contradictory ways of us all is quite something to behold. We all exist on the same plane, more or less, and the differences always amaze and surprise me, though they shouldn't by this point.

I fucking hate people.

People laugh when they hear me say that, I don't think they realize how serious I really am when I say it. I think for the most part, people, myself included, are fucked in the head. Don't get me wrong, there are nice people, truly warm and kind people that exist, I know it.

There are just so damn few of them left though, it's really very sad.

Like, most of my friends I consider to be some of the kindest people I know. A few of them have gotten their honorable mentions on this very blog, and will again at some point or another in the future I'm sure.

That's the reason I sometimes wonder why they are friends with me.

Yeah, I can be quite a bitch, I'll be the first to admit it. I'm really a fairly quiet person, but if pushed, the bitch part comes out very quickly and harshly. I can usually hold my annoyance in, but if pushed hard enough...

....it's advisable to step at least 20 feet back from my general direction...

Kat could tell you about the time Brandon had to, as to keep his head attached to his shoulders, and not crammed up his ass.

Like people who think they can talk to me any damn way they please while I'm at work, and think they will get away with it.

Mistake...not gonna happen, I promise.

Someone found that out tonight, to the amusement of my fellow employees and my manager. They think I'm slightly crazy, but they love it. They are silly that way.

The fact that it is a mere 2 days from Christmas does not help matters, or peoples' general attitude. Just because you were stupid, and waited until the last couple of days before THE day, doesn't mean come and take it out on us.

Not our problem.

I can't wait for Christmas to be fucking over, it's basically such a fucked holiday as far as I'm concerned. Ridiculously commercial, people getting beat up, killed, etc., all in the pursuit of the "perfect gift" for someone that is likely to not appreciate it anyway, and wishing that you gave them the receipt so they could take it back to the store and get something they actually wanted.

I always tell people not to bother for me, because I gift whenever I feel the need, rarely at Christmas. I'm more of a "just because" kind of giver. If I see something I know one of my friends would love, I get it for them. No need for occasion as far as I'm concerned. Fuck all that noise, or as I like to say...

"...bullshit on that."

Only one person is getting gifts from me this year, and that's because she is too damn adorable to deny Christmas. There is a very sweet little princess in Toronto who I love to spoil, and for some reason adores me, even if I don't give her anything.

Go figure.

To those of you who still like, or even love Christmas, I do hope you have a good one. Just 'cause I don't like it, doesn't mean you shouldn't.

As for me, I will be doing on Christmas what makes me happy...logging into my game, and spending hour upon hour playin'. That is my idea of a happy holiday.

Merry Christmas everybody...

More of my randomness at its best

Yeah, well, its been a couple of weeks, but I've been busy. Fostering my video game addiction, because it keeps my mind occupied.

It's what I need at the time, what can I say?

As always though, there are a million thoughts going through my head. My brain is in constant overdrive, something that has always been. To my own detriment, as far as I'm concerned.

One lesson I have learned well over this last year...keep your friends close, and your enemies closer...always. Just because I'm being quiet doesn't mean I'm not paying attention. Trust me, I learned long ago how to play the game better than you.

You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends, and they can be your true family. I don't pick my friends by their age, race, or anything like that. They just kind of happen, usually suddenly. My closest friends have happened pretty instantly. The 'friendships' I have to put actual work into are usually the ones that end up being false. Funny, eh?

I don't use the "friend" tag lightly either. You are either my best friend, or merely an acquaintance. Just the way it works for me.

After all, I'm not the easiest person to be friends with in the first place. I'm usually pretty difficult to keep track of, but it's not because I don't care. It's just because I don't want to be the cause of any hurt, and there is a lot more dark in me than light. I guarantee it will always be that way, and my true friends know that, and deal with it the best they can.

I know it makes you sad sometimes, and for that, I'm truly sorry...

It's why my friends are my family though...they are with me no matter what.

It's almost Christmas time, and I'm glad....because then it will be over. I hate the fucking holidays with a passion. Just a couple more weeks, and the bullshit is over. Some of the other holidays after the new year, I will thankfully miss, because I will be in basic training...another finally.

I wish I was in Washington, and not in California. This place sucks ass. Shut up Dan...you know the only reason I came here was because I promised my grandma I would.

It's 1 am here now...and 3am somewhere else in the world. Which means it's about time for me to go hang out with one my best friends who always makes me smile.

That also makes me think of the best of all my friends, whose smile makes my heart skip, and makes it break all at the same time...

I also think of yet another friend, who always goes out of her way to remind me that I am loved, no matter what I think otherwise.

And of my other friends, who are newer to my life, who are still adjusting to being in my life, and still getting used to wandering through the dark part of it. I wish sometimes I could help them understand it better, but I have yet to figure out how...

I myself am astounded by how many people have told me I'm going to be missed when I leave for the Army. It's nice to know they care, but I'm still surprised by it.

Maybe next year will be better, maybe it won't. I'm fairly indifferent to it either way.

Hope doesn't exist in the dictionary of my life. Only existence does.

I haven't written much lately, mostly due to a very busy schedule. Getting ready to leave for basic training takes up a lot of time. I was hoping to be gone by now, but with the military, there is a lot of "hurry up and wait". So here I sit...

...waiting.

Many things have changed for me in the last year, and some of you have borne witness to that, via this blog. Some things shared were very difficult, yet at the same time, have been equivalent to a cleansing of sorts.

Why does love have to hurt so fucking bad? ...meh..

Why are the few people I love most always the first to exit my life?

Guess it's just the way it goes, huh?

...and so it goes.

I am more anxious to begin my time in the military than ever before. It will take me away from the things I would rather not deal with or think about. With every passing day, I am more and more tempted to return to my world of solitude, and just say "fuck it" altogether.

My life just seems to be easier that way. Loneliness has never been an issue.

As a matter of fact, it's a preference.

Here I sit, just continuing to pass time, with nothing I really care to look forward to. As is my life.

Here I sit...taking up space.

Here I sit...wishing I just wasn't.

Here I sit...knowing I have served any purpose I was meant to, and knowing I don't have another.

And I will continue to sit here, on my own, trying to smile, but unable....

...pretending to be okay, but far from it.

Just sitting....never standing.

For "Eh cue" :)

Sometimes, I wonder if maybe something is wrong with me...

...besides the obvious brain damage my friends know me for...lol

I have this 'thing', you see...

This thing that makes me give a shit more about the people that are important to me than about myself. Not that it bothers me, but it tends to bother others sometimes. Mostly because I let myself get fucked over in the process.

As is my life...

Like a friend I was having a conversation with today. I won't get into too many particulars, as it was a private conversation, and none of your business. Let's just suffice it to say that this particular friend is dealing with the issue of being in love for the first time. I spent a good deal of time trying to cheer them up, and just basically did my best to talk them through a bad day.

I hope I did okay.

None of us really knows when or where or IF it is ever gonna happen. Love, that is. Even if it does, it comes with no guarantee. Having a few years on my friend, I have dealt with this on a few different levels up to this point in my life. I regret none of it, but definitely identify with what they are dealing with right now.

Where as the other party in 'their' case has no clue as to the feelings held, the best thing I could really say to that was it can be a lot harder when they do know. Sometimes the other party can even go as far as abusing and taking advantage of the fact they know you feel that way about them.

I hope you never have to deal with that. I've been lucky in that myself, but I've seen other friends go through that, and it's very painful to watch.

For the majority of the human race, love is a big fat pain in the ass. I think I may have mentioned that once before, but I don't remember, and don't really feel like looking back to see.

If I knew then what I know now...would I take any of it back, regret or no?

Well, in all cases except one...yup, I sure would.

It's different for everyone, definitely. Most people don't think about it the same way I do, and shouldn't. I really don't trust people, and have no need to meet anybody new. Besides, I'm comfortable enough with myself to know that I would rather spend the rest of my time on earth alone than settle for someone I didn't really love just to not be by myself...

...bullshit on that.

For better or worse Cookie, it's gonna work out the way it is meant to. As much as I know it hurts now, it's just gonna make you stronger, no matter what the outcome.

So smile, damn you, so I don't have to tackle YOU... :)

Any asshole can make a child, it doesn't make them a parent

The people that know me well know how I feel about my parents. For those that don't that well, and haven't read any of my older posts, I will save you the trouble...

I don't like them.

Mostly due to the fact that they have never been parents. To me, or the rest of my brothers and sisters. Tonight just reiterated that fact once again.

I had just sat down in my room to eat my dinner, when my mobile rings...

..fuck.

'Cause it was my 'father', and no one can piss me off faster than he can. Well, that's not exactly true, my 'mother' can, but I don't talk to that bitch, haven't for about 14 years, and I intend to keep that number rising.

Anyhow, it's not the fact that he called me, it was the reason.

"You know it's your brother Martin's birthday today." Sometimes, it's really difficult for me not to sound annoyed, and I must say I did a monumentally good job of hiding my annoyance today. I'm very proud of myself for that, not really sure why.

All I said was, "...okay.." To which I got...

"I don't remember what year he was born, do you?"

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!

The fucking two of you, I swear. You can make them well enough, but taking care of any of them is a hell of a feat isn't it?????????

Let me give you a bit of background of WHY I'm so upset about all this.

When I was 12, my father's second wife accused him of molesting my brother Martin, who at that time was 2, and my sister Ophelia, who was 5. Now keep in mind their was medical proof that nothing like that had happened, but at that time, her word was enough to make it go to court. My mother being the attention whore she was, and is, decided to tell the court that he had done the same to me when they were still married. While that had happened to me when I was younger, my father was NOT the one who did it. They took my mother at word as well, so I was dragged to court, psychologists, police departments, lawyers, etc. for about a year dealing with this bullshit.

This is where it gets really interesting...

At the end of all this, or I should say what brought it to an end was...

Barbara (wife number 2) told the court that if he gave up all rights and visiting privileges to Martin and Ophelia right then, she would drop all the charges, and not take a penny from him for their care, she just wanted him away from the three of them.

If he could have signed those papers in blood to get them signed faster, he would have. He jumped on that deal so fast, it was disgusting.

I have seen neither Martin or Ophelia since that last day in court, now over 20 years. I will never forgive him for that...ever.

So don't call acting like you give a fuck now. You had your chance to be their father. If you cared, you would have fought to the death for those two. You don't even remember what year they were born. I do, but fuck if I'm gonna tell you.

I have a brother Robert who is 8 years old at present, another product of another relationship gone wrong, and another brother that I hardly know, thanks to my father's bullshit. Another child he doesn't help to take care of. A child who needs his father, because his mother is a psychotic retard.

Just another fantastic reason for me to be excited about joining the military and leaving this place....

I can stop supporting the father who never bothered to support me, in any way.

To my friends and family :)

You know how it is when you are waiting for something? Something you really want?

Time drags ass....

Waiting for things has never been one of my strong suits...

Probably because there is so very little in life that I ever want.

I have no issue with that, but like I said...when there is something I want, I fucking hate having to wait for it.

In case you're wondering what I'm babbling about, it's just that I am so damn close to leaving for basic training, yet it is still far enough away to annoy the piss out of me. It's literally just weeks, but for me, that is far too damn long. Mostly 'cause I was ready to go like YESTERDAY...oh, well....

I've gotten quite the mixed reaction to this whole thing. The couple of people who's opinion truly matters seem to be the ones who are having the most problem with this. A couple of my newer friends (like Dora) also seem to have issue with it, so it is basically a non-subject for now.

Guess what guys? It won't be a non-subject when I leave, because my absence will be a lot more noticeable then...

It's a little hard for me to understand a few of these reactions, but mostly because the people who are reacting haven't known me as long. The only one who can really bitch at me about it and get away with it is Dan, but that's because he knows my personal history better than anyone, save one person...

Well, I have been taking care of myself my whole life, so I think I can handle this decision on my own, thank you. I appreciate that some people are worried, and why, but I will say the same thing here as I have in person.

I run the same risk of injury and damage living here in Southern California as I do going anywhere else. As do any one of you, wherever you happen to be.

Remember all the times you said to me, at various times over the years, "you are too smart to be working at a place like this.."?

Bet you fuckers are regretting that shit now, ain't ya??

You are just gonna have to trust that I know what I'm doing, and that I will be okay.

Love you guys....

You know what annoys the hell out of me?? Being sick. It really is a waste of my fucking time. I have better things to do, you know? I seem to be getting over it now, though. Well, at least enough to get me running my normal schedule again tomorrow.

4 wasted days of my life I will never get back. Fuck....

The only thing that has made me happy in the last few days?

C'mon, where ya been?

"Heroes" was on last night.

Sylar is still the man, and just getting more awesome.....if that's even possible.

WTF with Niki/Jessica/Stacey.....really? How many are there? Seems we will find out soon, as it seems the girls were made, not born...

Matt's story line just got a million times more interesting...

Hiro and Ando still make me giggle....

Suresh is getting dumber...what the hell is wrong with that dude??

If one more person ends up being in the Petrelli family, I swear....so NOW Gabriel (Sylar), Peter, and Nathan are brothers, Claire is Nathan's daughter...for fucks sake....

H.R.G. is still a bad ass. There is no taking that man down.

I have to say I'm way more impressed with Elle, and I hope they do something interesting with her SOON....

Anyway, I'm done with that for now, it's time to get some sleep.. :)