So in love!!! ^_^

With my new fucking laptop that is!!!!

MUAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

It would be the same reaction if it was a brand new desktop that performed as well as this damn thing does, but it's a laptop....and now I can do this, homework, game and whore myself on Facebook from the convenience of my bed.

Though I don't really sleep much, my bed is comfortable as hell and still my favorite place to spend my time :-D

Currently downloading the Sims 3 onto this bad boy. I've had the game for awhile, but due to the fact that my desktop is old and wasn't really designed for gaming, Sims 3 didn't really work well on it. I was lucky if I could get a good 5-6 minutes in the game before it froze or reset my computer.  Now on the rare occasions I need to take a break from playing GW2 (which probably won't be until sometime next year hahaha), I will have a practically brand new game (for me) to play.

/win

I also intend on downloading Skyrim onto this thing too, since I have a copy for PC I got from my buddy Jason.

And sometime tomorrow when I finally get home from work, I have to remember to download Microsoft Office, because I will need to have MS Word in order to do my fucking homework. Bleehhhh... Not happy about school starting again only because it will be cutting into my gaming time.

I have waited so damn long as it is!!! Guild Wars 2 was supposedly going to be out last November, but all of us expected that wasn't really going to be the case.  Waited and waited VERY impatiently for a release date, and finally got one...August 28th we finally get our game!!

Then my PC dies, I can't afford to replace it in a timely enough manner to be able to participate in all the beta weekends for my game.

/fail

Then my BFFF, my bestest friend in the whole damn world surprised me by buying me my copy of the game.  That was seriously like the best day ever!!  I originally estimated I would have enough money in order to buy my new PC approximately 2 weeks before release of the game.  So even though I had missed the betas, at least I would get to be in on the 3 day head start, right?  Turns out I was still a little short of what I needed and had to wait another month.

/fail

 Now that month is officially over and I sit here grinning like an idiot while I write this on my beautiful piece of electronic heaven.  Now that this game has finished downloading....

...time to get back to it.

Sleep is for suckers mode has officially been started...

Sooooo frustrated right now!!!

So yeah...

Computer is not working properly and is such a pain to get onto I haven't been bothering much.  This is only troublesome due to my horrendous Facebook addiction.  Since it's basically how I stay connected to the world AND assure my friends that I am indeed still alive, not being there usually garners me many messages of...

"WTF?? Where the hell are you??"

For fucks sake, does it really matter?

Anyone who has been friends with me long enough should know by now how reclusive I am.  It's not that I don't care or I don't want to talk to you, it's just me, you should all be used to it!!! Probably doesn't help that my phone has been off for a year now (just realized that) and it is nearly impossible to contact me. Having it turned back on is one of several things I intend to take care of before the year is out.  Also high on my priority list is getting a new passport, as it has been AGES since I have been back "home" to Vancouver.  It's the one place I always felt I was meant to be and where I've always been happiest.

I will be getting my new laptop in about a week and a half, which means a ridiculous amount of time will be spent here writing....that is between my massive sessions of GW2 and equally massive sessions of fucking homework. Just a means to an end. Proper job (that isn't Wendy's or any other type of customer service) means that I will be able to set up my own retirement fund and also be able to make sure my father is taken care of in his.  Good thing I don't want for much, eh??

So even though I have been non-existent in the last couple of weeks, believe me, that will change, to the point of making everyone nauseous I'm sure... ;-)

Too fucking hot...

So I finally have a day off.

...and it's too damn hot to do anything!!

Well, it's not scorching or anything like when I was living in Omaha, but it's still warm enough to make me incredibly lazy.

I keep going back and forth with myself about whether I want to game or just continue watching Netflix but continue to come to no real decision, so I just go lay back down and frown at my ceiling.  With time differences and the fact that we are now so close to launch date for our game, I doubt any of my guildies are even logged on at the moment.  I'm sure we'll be inseparable once again soon enough, but for now....

...nothing much in game going on. Booooooooo....

As it is, I'm gonna have to wait an extra couple of weeks to even get on the game, as I need to earn a little more cash towards my new computer, but since I've waited this long, a couple more weeks won't kill me.  That is of course assuming that I don't constantly view posts or get messages on FB from my friends about how EPIC the game is and the "where the hell are you??" notes.  That would suck.

I may try to finally install the awesome graphics card I got for Xmas a couple of years ago from my BFFF, as I know a hell of a lot more about computers than I did when I received it.  Hopefully I won't break my shit! Hahaha.

Guess we'll all know what happened if I don't write anything for a while. Would have written more this weekend if it wasn't for the fact I spent so much damn time at work.  Saturday night was drunk moron day in the drive-thru, with the best statement of the night coming from a woman who was more than old enough to know better that to be out drunk driving in Lakewood.  Asked her if we could take her order and the first words out of her mouth were "You guys are actually open! I can't believe it!"

The place was lit up like fucking Christmas AND there is a huge sign on the window that says "Open 'til 2am daily!".  It was not even midnight when she came through...

Besides, if you thought we weren't open, why the fuck did you attempt rolling through to order food??

And everyone wonders why I love people so much.

I can't wait until I'm done with school.

I need to find a movie to watch or something while I figure out something more interesting to write about.  Had some ideas in my head about some stuff, but kinda lost it after a very long weekend, sure it will come back to me eventually.

For now, I'm off!!

It was a long day today.

Work was just a reminder of why it was a good decision (not really mine) to go back to school.  My distaste for the general public continues to grow on a daily basis.

It's not everyone.  I still meet nice people on occasion and I have a lot of regular customers that I'm glad to see, as I know they will not give me hassle.  There are just things I hear or see everyday that have always gotten on my nerves and as time marches on, they irritate the shit out of me more and more. 

One of the biggest? People feeding their children what basically equates to unhealthy crap after midnight. I ended up stuck at work longer than I was supposed to be (as usual) and the last thing I heard over my headset before I chucked it onto the table in disgust was a parent ordering 2 kid's meals for her children....at 12:45 in the a.m.  Seriously...what the FUCK?? Why are your children not sleeping??  Not only are they still awake at this time, you are barely feeding them dinner, at Wendy's, this late at night? And people wonder why childhood obesity is running rampant in our country.

Fucking assholes.

People and their damn cell phones, mobile devices, whatever the fuck they are now.  I swear on my life these people only use their phones AS a phone when it will irritate me the most.  You know, like when they have been standing in line for 10 minutes waiting for me to take their order and they wait until it's their turn before they finally decide to call their family member, buddy, or what have you to say...

"Hey, I'm at Wendy's....you want anything?"  The best part? When they start reading off the whole menu over the phone and the 15 people behind them who already know what they want are frowning at ME like I'm the one who is being discourteous.  

If I was allowed to put hands on some of these people I swear they would have those fancy little pieces of plastic crammed straight up their ass.

Little less than two years until graduation and I am DONE with customer service for-fucking-ever. 

I remember the days when I thought I could do these jobs forever....long gone.

They keep trying to get me to do management and I keep telling them "no spank you" because I enjoy having a LIFE.  It may not be much of one, considering that I spend what time I have gaming, watching movies, listening to music and school, but it's mine and my time is precious dammit!!

Even though I just got home from that pit 2 hours ago, I must now try to take a nap because I need to be back there in about 7 hours.  Have to be ready to go because IMPORTANT people (saarccassmmm) are going to be hanging out there most of the day tomorrow watching to see how we "operate".  

It's fast food assholes, we aren't fucking saving lives.  If anything, we are contributing to a quicker demise for some of them.  10 hours in that place tomorrow (later today, whatever) will hopefully garner at least one interesting story. 

We shall have to see now, won't we?? :-D

A New Beginning

Sometimes I wonder what it would like to be normal.

Then I laugh hysterically and remember I wasn't meant to be like everyone else.  I also realize that is just the way I like it.

I rarely sleep. Sleep is for dead people!!

I'm more capable of being myself behind this keyboard than I am when I'm face to face with people.  I have a general distrust for most of existence, it's just easier to keep my mouth shut when I'm outside the four walls of my room.

I love most of my family and all my friends, but still tend to keep my distance.  Trusting the right people has never been my strong point in life.  What can I say, I'm a sucker like that.  Luckily I have one of the most awesome groups of friends in the world and they are willing to put up with my eccentricities because they love me.

I miss this part of my life more than I realized.  Doing this writing thing I mean.  It was the way I used to express myself best and I was damn good at it.  I had a pretty good following and even had offers to be sponsored and paid to do it.

Things happened, I gave up a lot of stuff I shouldn't have and now here we are. It's like....fuck sakes....a little over 3 years later and I believe I might be ready to take my life back.  To some degree at least.

It's time to concentrate on the few things I have left that make ME happy.

Number 1 is this blog.  While my original still exists, I will no longer add to it.  I may go back for occasional notes and sections of writings that deserve rehashing, but other than that, I will likely not lead people to it.  Too many memories of things I don't want to deal with and frankly toward the end, too much fucking whining.

Not really cool with that...

Major number 2, and just as important as number 1, is my gaming.  Yes, I'm a gamer...MASSIVE gamer to be more precise.  As one who dealt with major trauma during actual childhood and who had to be an adult by age 7, I have regressed.  I am currently living through my missed childhood and will likely continue to do so until they put me out to pasture.  By that I mean my friends who have been left in charge of my "end of life" rituals of nonsense put my ashes in a Folger's can and attempt to toss me out to sea 'Lebowski style'.

My apologies to whomever gets the blow back.

So now I take back what I can of my life and live for no one but myself and fuck whoever can't deal with that.  My life is about my writing, my gaming, listening to my music, going to concerts, travelling, and the variety of little things that make me happy.  To my family (sister, brothers, my niece, my pops, my dad, my mama) and friends that I adore and would give my life's blood for, I will always be here for all and any of you when you need me.

So for those who happen upon this, those I lead here, etc, be prepared.  I swear like a truck driver (thanks Dad), share the music I love, post random shit and funny stories, rant when the need arises, and do my best to entertain.

After all, isn't there some saying about "sharing is caring", or some such shit??

Seriously...what next?

You ever get tired of shit just going wrong?

It seems to be a recurrent theme in my life, but I always find a way to work around it. It's work though, believe me. I try not to complain much about it, because one thought always seems to be floating around in my head.

As bad as it is, someone out there has it far worse than you do.

I have the world's most awesome friends, brothers and a sister I adore to pieces who love me back, school makes me happy and I'm good at it, and in general life is okay. The issue I'm having right now is of a financial nature.

See, I've been taking care of myself since I was 12 years old, and have "officially" been working since I was 14. I've never had to depend on anyone for anything, and with my work record, it has never been an issue to find a job. My attitude about work has always been if you are willing to work, it's not hard to find a job. What do you do though when you get fired from a job because your boss at the time was throwing a drunken tantrum, and filled out the paperwork as having terminated you for insubordination, saying that you threatened to quit and it was because it affected the moral of the co-workers? What do you do when that affects you getting a job elsewhere, because of your absolute refusal to lie, and you state you were fired from your last job, knowing it could keep you from even getting a call back for an interview? What happens when this development makes you have to file appeals with unemployment and you have to wait over two months to see any of the money you have spent years paying into the system, with no end of the bullshit in sight?

It mentally wears a person out, believe that.

I spoke to my case worker lady just two days ago, and she stated that I should be seeing my money by today. When I called her back this afternoon to ask her why it wasn't in the bank yet, all I got was an "Oops, I didn't notice this, you will have to wait for the decision from your appeal to come through the office before you will receive payment." To which I stated as nicely as possible in all the conversations I had with her over the last three weeks, she failed to mention this. Of course she just said sorry, there was nothing she could do, I just had to keep waiting.

Must be nice to be casual about a situation like this when you don't have to worry about where your money is coming from, eh?

So I will continue to fill out my applications, but I still refuse to lie about how I left my last job. I just have to hope that my work record before that will be enough to get them to call me back so I can get hired and not have to deal with the fact that the system has failed me completely.

I don't let anyone win over me...nobody.

All this situation has really inspired is me keeping to myself until things improve, as I don't want to take my mood out on anyone else. I almost didn't even go to school today over it, but luckily my favorite teacher convinced me that wasn't the way to go and talked me into going to class. Luckily I also have the support of one of my best friend's, who also has my back in the situation and is trying to keep me positive about it.

Sometimes, just sometimes....it's really hard not to give up.

I'm back for real bitches >:)

Damn, I forgot how much I missed doing this!!

I started this blog originally because I had just moved back to Cali, and I really had nothing better to do. I was working and taking a couple of classes at the local CC, but I spent most of my time home bored. Didn't know anyone, missed the hell out of my friends, and needed something to keep me occupied.

This was it lol

Yeah, my writing is random, but it makes me happy. My mind has always run at about a million miles a second, so this is the place where I put down all my random thoughts. Sometimes it's about something that happened in my day, sometimes it's about songs that get stuck in my head, a cartoon that I love, or clips from my favorite movies. Most of the random strangers have stated their appreciation in comment or emails about the stuff I post or write about, and it's weird yet touching that I can touch people in the smallest ways.

I'm not gonna lie...I love it!!

There is one thing anyone who reads or views my bullshit will pick up pretty quick on...

I NEVER edit myself....ever.

If you don't like what I write, no one is forcing you here. If you do, keep coming back, I'm sure you'll find something interesting or fun from time to time. :)

Enjoy suckas!!!! LOL

For my friends...

What is it about me that is so different?

Is it my unfailing and brutal honesty? Something my real friends love about me, but what most other people who are around me can't handle.

Is it my generosity? The fact that I would help anyone, from my dearest friend to a complete stranger, if I thought I could make their life easier? Or the fact that I don't ever expect anything in return?

Maybe it is just my insane sense of humor, eh? I love the fact that I can make people laugh, even when they may not necessarily want to. It's something I consider a hell of a talent, even if no one else sees it the same way.

Is it my free spirit? The fact that I live every day like it was my last, with no regrets or apologies? Whether it was by God or osmosis or whatever that I am alive and here, I have a deep appreciation for the fact that I exist, and I refuse to take it for granted. No matter how hard some have tried, they will never take that from me.

It's pretty much a combination of all these things, along with one unmentioned major factor. It's not anything that is easily definable, but it's something I have come to realize about myself in the last 10 years or so. Something I picked up on shortly after my car accident, which brought about an epiphany of sorts.

You see, I have this "spark" inside me that is undeniable. It has been the basis of my survival my whole life, though I didn't realize it was there before.

It's what draws people to me, even when I don't want it to...which is most of the time. Many of my friends would be the first to tell you, I am normally not approachable. I admittedly give a "stay the fuck away from me" vibe when you first meet me, but that's just the way I roll.

If you are one of the few I let into my life on any level, that same spark is what keeps you all around, and if you think about it just a little, you will know that I'm right.

You see, with me, it's all or nothing. You are either my best friend or nothing. Granted, there are some people that have surpassed the level of best friend, and those are the people I consider family. Aside from my brothers and sisters, my "family" has been personally handpicked, because blood is not always the tie that binds.

Don't misunderstand. While those different levels exist, it doesn't mean I love any of you any less. I don't look for or expect perfection of anyone I let into my life. Even if there are certain things you do that I don't agree with, there is more than enough good in you to balance it out. Sure, there are people who have slipped through my radar, but they are few and far between. I figure it out pretty quick, and they are pushed out of my life like they never existed.

At that, I am a pro. Sad, but true.

It's that spark that helps me make you smile. It's what inspires me to be honest with you, even if it's something that you may not want to hear. It's what makes me protective of you, it's what makes me want to help you in anyway I can, no matter how minor or major. It's what makes me care. When I tell you I would give you the shirt off my back, or the last penny I have to my name to make sure you are okay, it's that same spark that let's you know that every word I say is true.

When I say I would give up my own life to ensure that you keep yours, it's that spark that will make it come true should the need ever arise.

All that said....

Having that spark comes with a price.

While it's easy for me to make everyone else happy, it's rare that I am. It's something I learned to live with a long time ago, and honestly, it has ceased to bother me. When you give so much of yourself, there has to be a balance.

That balance is my sadness.

Some of you will read this and not understand, but that is because you are not supposed to. You will never see that part of me because I will never allow you to.

Believe me, you wouldn't be able to handle it.

I did have a short time when I was disgustingly happy. You see, I met someone else a few years ago that had same said spark to them, even though I know he doesn't even realize it yet. For the rest of my life he will be my dearest friend and the only man I will ever truly love. With him not being around right now, I have pretty much retreated back to my old ways of keeping my distance, even though most of you don't even realize it. If you are wondering if I am talking about you, then I'm not, because I have stated this to him personally, and my friendship with him in the most precious thing in the world to me.

I will let no one else into that part of my life...ever.

So I will continue to go out of my way to be the one to make you laugh, the one who will speak up for you when no one else will, who will kick anybody's ass if they fuck with you, and hopefully the one who will make you smile when you think about me, even when I'm no longer around.

Because that spark is what gives me purpose in life. To make a positive difference in whatever way I can, to have make as many people happy as I can, and to inspire love in all of you, in any way possible.

Believe me...it's enough.

Finally...

So I finally did it.

The issue that has been been plaguing me these last few months has finally been resolved. The conversation that I should have had months ago took place today, all things that needed to be said were, and you have NO idea how that has changed everything.

In a matter of literally 8 hours, after just one short conversation, my life is back in balance. I didn't think I would feel this calm and normal ever again, but I do, and I must say, it is glorious.

The most important person in my life is still in it, and everything is okay again.

He is not only my truest and dearest friend, but my inspiration.

If you have to wonder if I'm talking about you, I'm not. The person I speak of knows this is about them because I told them these exact same things earlier today.

You, my dear readers, know all you need to. You should also be glad the whiny bullshit is over with now!! lol Thank him for that one.

Now, moving on... ;)